Sunday, January 22, 2012

Giving Up - This life is not for me

I've been disappointed in myself the last few weeks. I made several resolutions as far as writing in my last post, but so far I haven't lifted a finger to attempt a single one. I haven't even been able to write one wine blog a week.

In December, I had the burnout excuse. I always take December off after the grueling pace during Nanowrimo. I felt I especially deserved the break after doing Camp Nanowrimo back to back with Nanowrimo in November.

The trouble is, I am still burned out. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I haven't even been able to read lately.

Part of my excuse is that I have been a little bit preoccupied. I wrote a record number of emails in December and January, which culminated in a relationship with one of my amazing fellow writer's group members. I have been twitterpated to the point of distraction since even before our first date. Still am, most days.

But even spending as much time as I can with him, I still have a lot of down time that I am not making use of.

And I wonder if it's because I can't.

I can't face the stories I've written in order to edit them.

I received fantastic feedback from my writing group about Online Dating for Demons. But knowing what edits it needs only makes me feel inadequate. I can't fix it. It'd be better in the hands of someone else.

I finally started reading back over Monsters of Lawrence. And it sucks. The overwhelming amount of work it needs would fill a lifetime. Or at least several months using all of my free time.

I don't wanna.

And while I've toyed with a few new ideas since November, nothing at all has spoken to me. All of my old ideas seem stale. No new ideas are pressing against my brain from my subconsciousness.

I'm broken.

I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for this whole writing business thing. I will probably always write, every now and then, but it was a silly goal, trying to get published. I write for myself. For my own entertainment. For the entertainment of anyone willing to read my unedited slop. I don't have what it takes to edit, so I don't have what it takes to actually be a writer. I'm glad I found that out now instead of killing myself any more over this.

I suppose that makes me a bit of a poser, writing for the Confabulator Cafe. I've had a lot of fun being editor for it, though. It's been a lot of work, but really rewarding. It's been such a pleasure, working with all of these local writers. I hope they'll still let me contribute, even I've changed my mind about wanting to make writing my career.

I really appreciate all of their support. All of YOUR support. It's been an interesting journey. Thanks for coming along.

12 comments:

  1. We'll talk. We'll drink, we'll talk, we'll sort it out.

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  2. I've been where you are. Editing seems like an overwhelming task. But you've already done the hard part by finishing the novel. You mined a precious stone out of the mountain, now it's time to polish it. That takes time and patience. But when you're done, it's going to be beautiful. Don't give up now. You're a writer.

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    1. The writing part seemed easy compared to the editing. I suppose the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing makes it seem more daunting than it probably is.

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  3. Don't you give up on writing, Sara. Don't dare. You're too good at it to just stop. I'm not much for giving pep talks and they end up sounding too much like tough love in the end, but don't you quit.

    I don't encourage just anyone. You have talent. Don't give in to the nagging doubts. You know that we all have them. Rachel's right: we'll sort this out. And Kevin's right, too: we've all been where you are.

    I won't give up on you.

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    1. How could I give up with all of you cheering me on? Wouldn't want to let all of you down.

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  4. I know how you feel, and I won't argue against any of it, but I will point out some things.

    -you are a good writer.

    -nothing anybody ever writes seems any good to them until years have passed by.

    -you should be burned out, after what you've done lately.

    -even the most prolific of authors, at the height of their productivity, only write maybe half a dozen books a year.

    -I and a lot of people I know, when they've started writing, have stopped reading, in general. it's the same mind space.

    -writing crap and then abandoning it, is a healthy part of the process. I haven't read monsters, but trusting you that it's horrible, so what? shelve it.

    -I think DemonDatingService was very good, worth fixing, and not requiring a ton of work to fix. to my memory, about 80% of the issues I had with it were straight copy-edit things. stuff I could fix. and you'll be able to do that on autopilot, at some point, in a day or two. the other 15% represents a few days of your time. you owe it to yourself, and the book, and those of us who want to see the finished version, to give it those days, at some point in the next six months.

    -I think that, contrary to your reservations about being welcome in your writer's group, you would be more welcome, possibly. I've always seen you as being a nurturing person in that crowd, somebody that encourages and supports others. I'm sure you know that, and feel that way. But I wanted to let you know that others know it too.

    -I'll say it again sort of, but with emphasis: Demons was the best book I read this year (and that's of all the nano novels basically, because I didn't read much else (fiction anyway)).

    -all ideas are stale. it's the work that makes good books. (see my recent blog post about work in photography) you can definitely do it. don't be discouraged because you can't do it right now. that's definitely normal.

    Also: many people, in this writing community, that I know about, including myself, care about you and are here for you and want to see you keep going.

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    Replies
    1. Like I told you in my email, thank you for the perspective.

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  5. You and I are going to be writing together until we are a hundred and fifty. I'll be using speech recognition by then, or maybe Morse Code because my body will be so broken down, but we will be sitting on a porch swing with William Gibson necromancer type decks wired directly into our brains, writing stories together.

    Don't worry, we'll keep going together. :D

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    1. Nueromancer type decks, even. Necromancer ones would be sort of gross, although at a hundred and fifty, that might be what I need. :p

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  6. I'm only about a million years late to this post, but I'd like to echo all the rest of that -- you've got some great writing going on there. If you don't want to get published, that's cool, but don't look at it as you not being a writer. You are forever a writer. That is branded into your heart, I imagine.

    And don't feel that it's a forever decision. In a year you might change your mind again.

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