I've been disappointed in myself the last few weeks. I made several resolutions as far as writing in my last post, but so far I haven't lifted a finger to attempt a single one. I haven't even been able to write one wine blog a week.
In December, I had the burnout excuse. I always take December off after the grueling pace during Nanowrimo. I felt I especially deserved the break after doing Camp Nanowrimo back to back with Nanowrimo in November.
The trouble is, I am still burned out. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever. I haven't even been able to read lately.
Part of my excuse is that I have been a little bit preoccupied. I wrote a record number of emails in December and January, which culminated in a relationship with one of my amazing fellow writer's group members. I have been twitterpated to the point of distraction since even before our first date. Still am, most days.
But even spending as much time as I can with him, I still have a lot of down time that I am not making use of.
And I wonder if it's because I can't.
I can't face the stories I've written in order to edit them.
I received fantastic feedback from my writing group about Online Dating for Demons. But knowing what edits it needs only makes me feel inadequate. I can't fix it. It'd be better in the hands of someone else.
I finally started reading back over Monsters of Lawrence. And it sucks. The overwhelming amount of work it needs would fill a lifetime. Or at least several months using all of my free time.
I don't wanna.
And while I've toyed with a few new ideas since November, nothing at all has spoken to me. All of my old ideas seem stale. No new ideas are pressing against my brain from my subconsciousness.
I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for this whole writing business thing. I will probably always write, every now and then, but it was a silly goal, trying to get published. I write for myself. For my own entertainment. For the entertainment of anyone willing to read my unedited slop. I don't have what it takes to edit, so I don't have what it takes to actually be a writer. I'm glad I found that out now instead of killing myself any more over this.
I suppose that makes me a bit of a poser, writing for the Confabulator Cafe. I've had a lot of fun being editor for it, though. It's been a lot of work, but really rewarding. It's been such a pleasure, working with all of these local writers. I hope they'll still let me contribute, even I've changed my mind about wanting to make writing my career.
I really appreciate all of their support. All of YOUR support. It's been an interesting journey. Thanks for coming along.