A Look Back and a Look Ahead

It's been awhile. I've shifted from a writing focus to an editing focus over the last couple of years, which is why it's been pretty quiet here.

I recently set up a website for my editing endeavors, though, so that frees up this space for a focus on my writing pursuits. If you are interested in following me on my editing journey, look me up at selundberg.com.

As I mention in my "about me" section, I do have goals to have a novel published eventually. It's not as high of a priority these days as it used to be, but since I've made a great deal of progress on the editing front, it's time to start thinking about my writing again.

To look back at 2014, here are some noteworthy writing accomplishments:
-I won the Story-in-a-Bag short story writing contest for the amateur horror category at ConQuest
-I won third place (and $200) for the Writers Weekly 24-hour story contest in the fall
-I completed my tenth year doing Nanowrimo, sixth year as Municipal Liaison
-I started writing passages at the new job

To look ahead at 2015, here are some goals:
-Write a short story a month for the Confabulator Cafe
-Participate at the professional level for Story-in-a-Bag at ConQuest this year
-Participate in panels at ConQuest this year
-Start to submit short stories again
-Edit and send out Monsters of Lawrence to beta readers
-Haunted Mansion writing retreat in California in September this year
-Talk to Jack's sister's young adult book club to encourage young writers

I haven't decided if I'm going to participate in Nanowrimo again this year or not. Having done it every year for the last decade, I'm feeling a little run down and burnt out. My fellow writing group members encourage me to still participate even if I don't ML. We'll see how I feel when November rolls around. I'm ok with the idea of retiring. I know I can write a novel, with or without the help of the month-long competition.

It is kind of a relief to switch this blog back to Prospective Writer. I need a place to keep track of my writing progress separate from my editing. They are two different sides of my brain. It's nice to have to completely different spaces to play.

Besides, here I get to brag about the books I'm reading, share any awesome quotes I've heard, and talk about what I'm writing.

Time to get back to basics. I'm shabby and out of practice being a writer. I'm relying on this blog to help me get back on track.

Spring Update

It's finally spring in Kansas (which means there are some nice days and some days that feel like summer). Amazingly, this seems to have cured most of my ailments.

I've been suffering from one illness or ailment after another for the last five months, everything from colds to flu to bronchitis to sinus infections to dental and mouth surgeries. I've been to the doctor and the dentist and I've been on inhalers and steroids and antibiotics and my own array of herbal supplements. It figures what finally cured me was just time and a change in the weather.

The other ailment the weather seems to be slowly curing is writer's block. I'm starting to feel creative energies flowing again, and I actually have an idea or two percolating. I think it helps that my head isn't as full of snot or pain and that my seasonal depression is fading.

At any rate, I haven't started actually writing yet, but I have written a few wine blogs (you can check them out at Red Wine Reminiscence), and now I'm writing a blog here. I've poked around some short story markets on Duotrope. I finally read my NaNo novel from last year, and decided it wasn't the pile of trash I originally thought it was. It's a start. A small start, but it's something.

This weekend is ConQuest, and the boyfriend and I are going all three days. I will write a story for Story in a Bag - the contest I won last year (well, three way tied for first). I will listen to writers and publishers and editors and artists talk. I will write down a thousand book recommendations. And I will relax with my man on his birthday weekend. I've taken several days off work, so I am going to rest, relax, read, and hopefully write.

The third course in my editing certificate starts tomorrow. I earned a B+ in both the first and the second courses, have learned a ton, and am looking forward to the next class. Just two left until I am done with the sequence. I just finished copyediting a friend's manuscript (my first paid gig).

I am making slow and steady progress towards my goals again. The post-NaNo blues took me down hard this year, and I wandered aimlessly for a long time. But I'm taking it back now. I'm ready to reclaim my writer title. I know I never really lose it, but sometimes I put it away for awhile. During those times, I always worry I'll never get it back out, but as all of my writing friends remind me, it will always find me again, even if I can't find it.

What's This Life For?

I'm having a rough night/day/week/month/year.

This is a long, whiny post, so read at your own risk.

Over the years I have come to terms with the fact that I am not a very flexible person. When things don't go as I expected or I have to change my plans at the last minute, I tend to freak out more than is strictly necessary.

It's led to a lot of issues with stress, depression and anxiety throughout my life. I do various things to manage these three things, but lately, I've sort of lost my handle on them all.

I'm having a bit of an identity crises these days...and the boyfriend, while being incredibly supportive of everything that i do...doesn't really understand.

Not sure anyone else will, either, really, but I'm going to try to explain where I'm coming from and why, suddenly, tonight, I am ready to give up everything I've been working for these last few years.

Ever since I graduated from college, back in 2006, I've been jumping from admin support job to admin support job at the University, never staying in any one department for more than a couple of years, all the while thinking, planning, anticipating the "next big thing," whatever that might be, that would get me out of higher ed. I applied to grad schools, odd writing/editing jobs, and when all of that failed, for awhile thought I was going to pick up and move 3000 miles to do a certificate program in a field I thought I was well-suited for.

All the while trying to write novels, mind you. Crappy novels that will never see the light of day, and a couple of pathetic short stories that read like fan fiction.

I expected that someday, maybe in my mid 40s, I would write a semi-decent novel and make some money off of it - enough that I could write a few more novels and eventually quit my day job.

But I knew I'd probably keep some form of day job until retirement age.

I fixated on editing as that day job. And for that, I needed some education.

I finally gave up on moving to Seattle and settled for an online certificate program offered through UC Berkeley. One of the best online schools out there, I might add.

So there I was, August of this year, excited because I had two novels ready to be edited, several short stories out for submission and one had been accepted, and about to begin my education that would start me on the path to my dream job as a freelance editor.

And then it happened: the beginning of the end.

I knew almost right away that things were not going to go exactly as I had hoped. By the second assignment, I realized I do not have an aptitude for editing, and I basically hate grammar.

Not only do I hate it, but I'm also bad at it. Like, embarrassingly abysmal. We've had our first couple of sentence-level editing assignments, and I have barely passed. The slop I turned in for tonight's assignment is barely recognizable as English.

And here I thought I was supposed to be good with words.

Nope.

So now, I'm not only doubting my ability fix a disaster of a sentence, I'm beginning to doubt my ability to craft a coherent sentence. My writing must be horrible. I have dangling modifiers and split infinitives and comma splice galore in my novels. I'm not even sure, even after almost three months of class, that I know what all of that means.

I've already had my doubts about my ability to make a career out of writing. You've all read my dubious posts about that. But now it seems as if I was wrong about my being well suited as an editor, as well.

And so I stand under a scorching stream of hot water in the shower and cry because I have no idea what to do with my life, and I'm buried beneath my feelings of being trapped at a dead end job as administrative support for higher ed for the next 26 years until I can retire.

It's hard to complain because I have a good, solid job that pays well. The people I work with are fine, for the most part. The work is boring but not difficult. I'm good at it. I get to help people, which I enjoy, so there's some job satisfaction.

It's just so mind-numbing most days and I'm so far from where I want to be in my life. By the end of a 40 hour work week, all I want to do is come home and sleep or zone out to the TV.

I know it could be so much worse. I have a job, when so many people don't. I can pay my bills. I'm saving for retirement. I can actually afford to further my education. Not only that, but I have an amazing group friends, a loving family, a phenomenal boyfriend, I'm healthy, I'm still fairly young, and I have a lot of potential to do a lot of different things and the time to do them if I'm so inclined.

So why do I feel so defeated? So completely miserable? Why can't I be happy with all of the amazing things I have in my life?

What am I supposed to do with myself? Especially when I feel this way?

Feeling Famous, Impatient, and Excited

Well, for only having one flash fiction story in one anthology out, I am feeling pretty famous.

I've been mentioned on two blogs (R.L. Naquin's and K.R. Smith's), I've had over a dozen people tell me they've bought the book, several of my friends (writing and otherwise) have posted links to the book on their own Facebook walls, and I have a whopping 58 likes on my Facebook page! I'm not very good at self-promotion, but this has been a blast and everyone has been so incredibly supportive. All of this and it's only a 1000 word story in a publication's first anthology.

I can't wait for the day I sell an actual book. The internet might explode. All thanks to the amazing support of my friends, family, and writing peers. I'm starting to understand how it's possible for people to be successful at self-publication.

I'm nowhere near ready to publish a book though. Much to my chagrin, when my friend told me about Harper Voyager accepting unagented manuscripts for two weeks in October. Oh how I wish one month was enough time for me to whip one of my novels into shape. Harper Voyager is the sci-fi/fantasy imprint of Harper Collins, which as you probably know is one of the big names in publishing. This is a cool little project they are doing where they're looking to showcase new talent via ebook.

If only I had known about it a month or so ago. However, I think this trend will start becoming more and more popular with the big publishing houses. The market is making a huge shift, and these big houses have to adapt to keep up. So hopefully this won't be a one-time thing. I have a novel or two I think would fit with their other authors (which include George R. R. Martin, Raymond E. Feist, Robin Hobb, Sara Douglass, and Peter V. Brett).

In other news, my submission rate has stagnated as I sit waiting to hear back on 7 stories and a collection of 13-word flash fiction. Of course, one of those is Tor.com, which I don't expect to hear back from until around this time next year. But some of the others are a little past due, and I'm too shy to query them. I'm getting impatient.

I also haven't written anything new in awhile. I'm working on this month's flash fiction for the Confabulator Cafe, but I'm having trouble putting it together. I have a fabulous idea, but I can't make it work. Something is missing from it and I can't figure out what.

I've got a couple of ideas for National Novel Writing Month percolating, though. I'm getting excited. I am a bit out of practice, writing anything longer than 1000 words, but I'm looking forward to it. I wrote around 162,000 words for two novels last year and burned myself out pretty badly, but I think I'm ready to try again.

I'm All Sorts of Official Now

I've been toying with the idea of creating an author/writer page on Facebook for awhile. It seemed silly, though, since I didn't exactly have any publishing credits, and short of plugging the Confabulator Cafe and this website, I didn't have much to post about.

Now, my very first published work will be available for purchase at the end of this month (I'll share the details as soon as I have them). Also, at the rate I am submitting stories, hopefully I'll have another credit or two to add to that soon. So I thought to myself, "self, you deserve an author page, now that you've gotten a paying writing gig."

And so my official FB author page was born this week: Sara E. Lundberg.

I am up to 10 whole likes already. Woohoo!

I still need to take some time to figure out how to promote it and link it so people can find me easily, and I need to work on adding content (it's a bit naked right now), but it's a start. Oh, and eventually need to make new business cards with the FB page address. Argh! I still have over 200 from my last batch. I don't give too many out.

This whole self-promotion thing is a strange beast. It feels weird for me to do. It's against my nature, really, to brag about myself and my accomplishments. I'm not exactly modest - I'm a writer, after all, which in and of itself begs for attention - but my self confidence level isn't quite high enough to put myself out there in these ways. I have to push myself to do it, and always wonder if I'm going too far.

At any rate, that's my big news this week.

Well, actually my big big news this week was receiving payment through Paypal for my story! It was a small, token amount (I can't even buy a gallon of gas with it) but I am ridiculously excited that I got my first "paycheck" for writing. Teehee. I'm officially a paid writer.

This is really happening.

The Journey Continues: More Rejections, More Practice, and a Book Plug

You remember how I said my first story rejection didn't bother me much? That I just shrugged it off?

Well I've gotten a couple more since then, and each one stings a bit more than the last. For awhile, my stats on Duotrope (the awesome, free website that writers can use to find markets and track their submissions) showed my accept rate as 50%. I had one story rejected, and one story accepted.

I'm at 25% now, because I haven't had any more accepted.

I know I got really lucky (although I like to think my intensive market research paid off, too) getting the second story I ever submitted accepted, but it also spoiled me a bit. I expect better results of myself now.

Although at the same time I'm glad I did get an acceptance, otherwise it's possible I might have gotten discouraged and given up by now.

As it is, I'm still cleaning old stuff up and submitting it, trying to write new stuff, finding backup markets for stuff that's out so I can immediately turn it around when it's rejected, and actually looking into bigger markets. Semi-pro to pro markets.

I'm also getting excited about editing something longer than a short story. I've got a 20k short that I'm going to polish next. I think I'm ready for it.

And after that? Well, practice makes perfect (hah), but more importantly, practice builds confidence.

With each story, I'm getting closer to being ready to tackle my novel.

My goal is to have a novel ready to start querying by the beginning of next year. This has been my year of short stories. It was supposed to be mostly editing, but it's taken me a bit more time to figure out how the heck to do that. I don't see it as much of a setback. I see it more as me having to reassess my goals based on new knowledge.

The editing classes I'm taking starting in September should also help. Hopefully. It'll be interesting to try to write a Nanowrimo novel, where you have to suspend the internal editor, while taking an editing class.

Speaking of Nanowrimo, I was contacted by the public library, and they want to do some programming for NaNo this year! I'm thrilled to death they want to get the word out about it and host some events and write-ins for us. This year is going to be legendary.

I'm getting so excited for Nano, in fact, that I've started buying items for survival kits. Really, that is one of my favorite parts about being ML: putting together kits filled with goodies for the participants. Well, being ML in general is my favorite part, but spoiling my Wrimos is a big part of that. I really do love to share my passion and excitement for writing with everyone.

I just hope I'm able to write a novel this year. I'm still having trouble writing anything longer than a short story. I had planned on giving Camp Nanowrimo another shot this month, but that was an epic misfire. It was a week into August before I even realized it.

But I'm a writer. That's what I do. In November, I write novels. I always get nervous about it, which is usually unfounded. My mind knows what to do. I just have to make the time to do it.

Anyway. It's been a long and twisted path, this road to becoming a published writer. I've always known it would be, but I've found that the twists and turns are less scary as I'm winding through them than when I was looking at them from afar. It doesn't seem as insurmountable now. It's almost like, when I first started this journey, I kept thinking I had to jump across this huge chasm from unpolished writer to published writer. Turns out, it's more like building a bridge. I'm putting a slat down for each step I take.

Although I have to admit, the road has been much easier with R.L. Naquin forging the way ahead of me first and calling back to me along the way, warning me of pitfalls.

Well, and the excitement (and work) of success. Her first novel, Monster in my Closet, came out at the end of last month. You should go buy it if you haven't yet. It's a super fast, fun read. I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love with all of the characters.

Rachel truly is an inspiration to me. She's part of the reason I've come as far as I have on this journey.

Slumps and Success

I go through cycles with blog posts where I get really motivated and get ahead, knocking out posts for weeks in advance, to the extreme opposite of not being able to blog even if my life depended on it.

The same goes for writing.

I'm in a bit of a slump right now. I'm having trouble writing, and I'm unhappy with the stuff I've been coming up with. I've realized it's all part of the process, but it's frustrating, none the less. I wish I could be creatively inspired all the time. But luckily I have things like this blog and my writing group that keep me writing even when I don't want to.

The more my writing group makes me write, the more material I have to submit. I still try to submit every couple of weeks. I haven't been writing anything in addition to my Confabulator Cafe flash fiction stories, but I've been cleaning up old flash assignments and sending them in.

And now for my exciting news! One of those flash fiction stories that I cleaned up and submitted has been accepted for publication. I don't have many details yet, but it will appear in this publication's first anthology. I've signed the contract and they will be paying me a quarter of a cent per word. Just a token payment, not nearly professional yet, but I'm so excited that one of my stories is going to be published. I did it!!

I've been comparing story submission to gambling addiction, and I just hit a jackpot. A small one, but just enough to keep me gambling. I need to keep writing and keep submitting.

Once I know more about the anthology, I'll let you know!

Finally Getting To It

Does loving school make me a nerd? (photo)

This as been an incredibly exciting week for me.

After months of stagnation, where I didn't even update my blogs let alone write anything, things are finally moving again. I feel like I am back to making progress towards some of my goals.

First - I am officially enrolled in an online grammar and mechanics for editors class at UC Berkeley. If all goes well, I will earn their Professional Sequence in Editing certificate over the next four semesters. The program starts in September, and while I am extremely nervous and a bit trepidatious about my ability to do school after sitting out for so long, I am also so excited that I have already purchased my textbooks.

Second - I found out today that one of the stories I submitted to a publication has made it through their first round of cuts. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm in - they had over 200 submissions and they can only take about 15 stories - but that means it was good enough for them to give it a second look. I actually assumed it was a rejection when I first saw it, and I had to read it twice to realize it wasn't!

Third - This may be a bit premature, and I reserve the right to revoke ever mentioning this, but I think I might be ready to start editing my novel, Online Dating for Demons. I've been thinking a lot about the world lately and how much the inconsistencies are bothering me to the point where I really want to fix them. I did some preliminary note-taking on changes I need to make, and I am about to start following R.L. Naquin's index card method. I haven't ever significantly edited anything this long before, so I have no process to speak of. Which means I will be stealing hers to start with.

That's it for now, but I think that's plenty. I'm excited. I'm feeling good about writing and editing. I'm daring to hope that my dreams may someday become a reality if I keep working at it.

The only discouraging part is trying to be patient. I wish I could just put on a good song, montage through all of the hard parts, and then when the song is over, I'd be a wildly successful writer and editor.

Camp got Rained Out

Image borrowed from here

So my attempt at Camp NaNoWriMo this year was a complete wash. I wrote less than three-thousand words, which is way shy of even the thirty-thousand I had lowered my goal to halfway through June.

June was not a good month to write a novel.

I'm trying not to let that bother me too much. I did get a lot of brainstorming for the idea done, and the first scene is written. The foundation is there.

I think the biggest problem I ran into wasn't so much that I didn't want to write, I just never made time and when I did I wasn't highly motivated. I like my idea. But the foundation isn't solid. It's a sequel to Monsters of Lawrence, and Monsters of Lawrence is still barely a Zero Draft, so it was tough to keep writing in a world where I still need to fix a few flaws and figure out what actually happened and what is going to be cut out and therefore never happened.

Anyway, my main concern with not getting very far last month is that it was my second Office of Letters and Light sponsored event that I totally bombed. Anyone remember Script Frenzy? I wrote one whole sentence for that before I quit.

I failed Script Frenzy, failed Camp NaNo, so I can't help but feel a bit of concern for this November. Will I be able to write a fifty-thousand word novel later this year, what with all the writing interruptus I've experienced so far?

I do not, however, consider the month of June a waste. Not in the slightest. In fact, as I mentioned couple of weeks ago, I hit a major milestone. My first submission! It was something I always feared, and now that I have done it, I am actually kind of addicted to it.

I even got my first rejection today, and instead of crushing me, I just frowned, shrugged, and then found another publication to submit it to. I know it's a good story. I just have to find the right market.

I'm no longer a submission virgin. I know I've been a writer this whole time, but somehow, this makes me feel like a really real writer now.

Thoughts on Writer's Block and Wine

My posts for the week are up at both the Confabulator Cafe and Red Wine Reminiscence!

At the Cafe, read about why I think writer's block is a real phenomenon in my post The Semantics of Writer's Block. Be sure to check back all week to see what the rest of my writing group has to say about it; the opinions vary drastically.

When you're done, you can read the much lighter review over on my wine blog of one of my new favorite wines, the Lomas del Valle 2010 Malbec.

Come back here and visit me on Friday, where I'll talk about how Camp NaNoWriMo got rained out for me, but how the month wasn't a total bust.

I Heart Flash Fiction

I love flash fiction more and more every month that we write it at the Confabulator Cafe.

I love being able to tell a full story in a quick little bite. Deciding exactly what details belong and which ones don't matter enough to be left in. I love to play with word choice. It's easier to work on the crafting of sentences when you only have 1,000 words to make them with.

It's also given me the opportunity to explore my darker side. The thing about horror is that reading (and writing) an entire horror novel can be exhausting. It takes a lot out of a reader and a writer to have to constantly maintain that suspense and continually add more horrifying things. In a short story, you don't have to sustain it for long, so it can be short and intense and then you can put it down.

Every time I sit down to write flash fiction, I'm worried my idea will be awful or won't work, and some weeks I don't get it done until the night before it goes live. But I'm four for four now and I'm happy with every story I've written. It's given me a lot of confidence in my ability to write. And even edit, since I have to be so meticulous when it comes to a 1,000 word story.

One of the best parts is, I am developing a portfolio of short stories, so I've been able to pick my best ones and start sending them out to anthologies. It's great practice, and once a writer has something published, it's easier to get the next thing published. Not to mention, submission is a goal I've had for years. Now I've finally done it. Twice!

The last part that I love about it isn't so much about me or my writing career, it's about my love of reading. I love to see what stories come out of the minds of my fellow writers. They just blow me away every week. And I find the stories ever so much more enjoyable knowing the faces and the personalities behind the tales.

Maybe after a year or so of all of us doing flash fiction, we can collect all of our stories and put them in an anthology of our own. I'd love to found the Confabulator Press someday.

A New Addiction

Photo borrowed from here

I did it! I finally did it!!

I submitted my first story to be considered for a publication.

I've been meaning to do this since January and I've been dragging my feet, but I finally got myself together, did some market research using the brilliant website Duotrope and found an anthology that I thought was a good match for one of my short stories.

And it felt so good to finally submit something, that I did a bit more digging yesterday, and submitted another short story to a different publication yesterday afternoon.

I think I might be a little bit addicted to submission now. It's terrifying and exhilarating and I know there is a good chance of rejection, but a little hope is definitely dangerous. Right now I'm riding on a high, although I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much. Part of submission is rejection, so I am attempting to steel myself for the worst.

The thing is, though, is that I am stubborn. If someone thinks I can't do something, I dig in my feet and throw myself into proving them wrong. So maybe, just maybe, a rejection won't completely crush me. It might just empower me.

Throughout this process, I have made a couple of decisions.

The first is that I need to keep writing more short stories. That's where my head is these days and that's where I'm having the best results. The Confabulator Cafe has done wonders for my ability to tell a story in a short space. I would like to try to write a short story on my own in addition to the Cafe's flash fiction assignment every month. Mostly because a lot of places won't consider work that's already been published, and some presses consider sharing a story on your website publishing.

The second decision I made is that along with writing a short story a month, I must submit at least one short story a month. Since most publications take at minimum two to three months to let you know if your submission has been accepted, if I submit a story a month, in three months I should start hearing back every month.

I'm impatient and like immediate results. I need to use writing and submission as a distraction so I don't become overwhelmed and obsessed waiting for results.

I will let you all know the results as soon as I receive them! Good or bad. I might need help dusting off my pride if/when I get rejected.

ConQuest 43

Memorial Day Weekend always goes hand in hand with the Kansas City Science Fiction and Fantasy Society (KaCSFFS) annual convention: ConQuestT. I didn't get to go last year, but this year I had someone to go with, and to add to the fun, it was also his birthday weekend.

Overall, it was a fun, long, sobering, exhausting, and informative weekend filled with not great food, sickening elevator rides, uncomfortable chairs, a minor panic attack in a parking garage, an obnoxious kids concert that caused detours both on foot and in vehicles. We had a fabulous, luxurious hotel room, I met an adorable (cadaver) dog, I received lots of new book recommendations, and came home with a spark of motivation for writing and a certificate of excellence for winning a writing contest.

Between Friday and Sunday, I went to over a dozen panels led by writers, editors, publishers, game designers, and artists. Some were informative, some were hilarious, and some were boring and uncomfortable. I always feel equally motivated and discouraged after listening to published writers and small press editors talk. I realize that I share my dream of being a writer with thousands of other writers, and that even getting something published doesn't mean I'll get to quit my day job. Maybe ever. And how lucky I would be to get a break at all and make a little extra money.

But it also gets me excited to try.

Each year they do a Story-in-a-Bag contest, where you are given five index cards from different categories (plot, character, object, setting, first line) and you have an hour to craft a story using all of the elements. I burned through my story and thought it was crap when I was done, but I threw on a clever last line and decided I might as well submit it. I took the time to write it, after all, so what did I have to lose?

Apparently nothing, because I won in the amateur fantasy category!

Well, it was a three way tie. But still. I'm claiming it as a victory.

So my confidence in my writing is restored, I'm starting to take my search for short story markets more seriously, and I'm participating in Camp NaNoWriMo this month.

Overall, it was a great getaway birthday weekend with Jack. The experience just reaffirmed my belief that I have found the perfect guy for me. The Con was fun, but the time spent with him made everything else icing on the cake.

Although I made him birthday muffins, not birthday cake.

Writing Streak

I hate to jinx it...but I've written three nights in a row now. Tonight it should be four.

I haven't been writing large quantities. Just a flash fiction on Monday, and blog posts for the Confabulator Cafe on Tuesday and Wednesday. Tonight is a planning meeting for Script Frenzy, so I hope to do some brainstorming for my script idea, which will include a little writing.

It's not much. But it's a start. And I feel a shift.

I've been miserable for awhile. Weeks, really. A lot of it was being sick, or miserable weather, or frustration at work, all compounded by the fact that I wasn't getting any exercise.

But I think the biggest reason for my misery was fear and loss. Writing is such a huge part of who I am. I wasn't writing, so I felt like I had lost myself, and I was afraid I'd never get that part of myself back again.

I was trying to force it before, too. I'm not sure I was ready. But this week I'm feeling it again. And I'm starting to get excited for Script Frenzy. I started with an idea I didn't like all that much, but it has been ballooning into absolute craziness in my mind the last few days. I think I can do a lot more with it than I initially thought.

And that is what I missed so much. What I wasn't feeling before. The ideas! The ideas colliding into each other in my mind, and the characters chattering about what they were going to do in these ridiculous situations. It's all starting. And I think I've found myself again.

And can you locate all of the sentences I started with a conjunction in this post? I didn't say I was back to writing well, just that I was writing again.

I ought to knock on wood when I say that, though. I really hope this sticks.

Frenzied

Two weeks of silence this time, instead of a month. I'm slowly getting back on track. Part of the reason I've been off track hasn't been so much lack of motivation, but lack of energy because I've been fighting with the zombie plague that has been going around. Three weeks I've been sick. I'm finally starting to feel more like myself today, so it's the first day I've really thought about writing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I thought about writing yesterday.

I finally made a decision on something I have been waffling about for about a year. I've decided to participate in Script Frenzy in April this year. This is a script writing event hosted by the same organization that does National Novel Writing Month and Camp Nanowrimo. This will be my first year attempting it. I haven't written a screenplay since my second to last semester of college, so I am a little bit nervous. Writing scripts has a lot more rules than writing novels does. It's never been a medium I've been too interested in, but my wonderful significant other is a script writer, so he's participating, and the Municipal Liaison for the Kansas region asked for a co-ML, so I signed up. I'm committed now. I will be writing next month whether I like it or not. Ready or not, here it comes.

So I spent yesterday reading about the different types of scripts I could write, and figuring out what story idea to use. I've decided on a TV script. I am going to re-visit the Offbeat Adventures of Sally Prescott world and write two episodes for Sally and her crew.

I don't have any other news on the writing front. I've forgiven myself for not writing much the last couple of weeks now that I'm signed up for Script Frenzy. I made an attempt at writing a short story, but only got about 330 words in. It's an interesting introduction with some interesting characters and an interesting world, but I have no idea where to go with it. I've also put finding an anthology/journal for Virus on a back burner again. I'll try again later. I'm going to have to do some more extensive research to find the right places to submit it and I am just not driven enough to try right now.

It's the pressure of my fellow writing group members submitting and getting published that has caused this frenzied need to do something with my writing. But I need to remember that I'm not in competition with them. This is my own journey that I need to take at my own pace. And it's ok to take pit stops along the way.

I'm a Writer

I've always been a writer

One month ago I announced that I was giving up on my dream to become a published writer.

I've done a lot of thinking since then. I received a bunch of pep talks and encouragement from my writing family. I explored alternatives to editing my full length novels, primarily shifting to short stories to submit to magazines and anthologies. I've made attempts towards that in fits and starts and haven't gotten very far. I continue to write about writing for the Confabulator Cafe. I finally started reading the memoir I wrote two years ago and never looked at again. I've reconsidered the idea of self-publishing.

The conclusion I've reached, in the one month after giving up on myself?

I will always be a writer. Even if I'm in a fight with writing, even if I'm taking a break from it, even if I never publish anything or make a dime, I will always be a writer. It's who I am. They say your job doesn't define who you are, and that's true. I'm not an administrative associate. I am a writer.

It doesn't have to be my job to be who I am.

I don't know where that leaves me on the quest I set for myself, though. What is the next step? I don't know. I just know I was a bit over-ambitious when making my writing goals for this year. I got overwhelmed by all of the work I suddenly made for myself, and I wasn't entirely prepared.

So I took a step back. And now, hopefully, I will start taking baby steps forward again.

My very first step? Find a literary magazine or anthology for a horror short story I wrote several years ago. Once that is submitted, I will work on another short story. And then I'll submit it. And then I'll write another one, and submit it. And then, maybe I will have heard back about the first or second one. And then, if they were rejected, I will submit them elsewhere. Rinse and repeat.

And hopefully I will start writing every day again. I found a book at Half Price Books on Sunday, and I think it is exactly what I need to get started again: The Writer's Book of Matches - 1001 Prompts to Ignite Your Fiction. If I can use a prompt every day, whether I write a paragraph or a page or a short story or a novel, I will write for at least 1001 days in a row.

I know. I'm being overly ambitious again. But if this can help get me past my slump, it'll be $8 well spent.

I'm now picking up the pieces leftover from my breakdown. I'm getting it together and I'm getting back in the saddle, as it were. It's only February. I still have time to salvage some of my 2012 writing goals.

And I'm only a little worse for wear.

Hiatus

As much as I love National Novel Writing Month, it sucks me dry every year. It's pretty normal for me to drop off the face of the planet for about two weeks afterward.

It's been two weeks. I am slowly emerging from my Nano induced coma.

This year was especially brutal because I started my Nano book right after finishing my Camp Nano book. Two books back to back wiped me clean out.

For awhile I wasn't sure if I'd ever write again.

I say that every year, of course. And I always bounce back.

So here I am. Back to what I do best.

I've already received a lot of positive feedback on Online Dating for Demons, so the consensus is I need to put the work into it and try to get it published. Part of me is terrified of that notion. Am I ready? Publishing Paralysis aside, I've never significantly edited anything before. This will be my first big novel overhaul. What if I can't do it?

I'm having my fair share of doubts, obviously, but I have an amazing group of writers supporting me through this. I know if I don't work on it, they'll get on my case until I do. And they'll keep pushing me until it's done.

The rest of this year will be spent in input and reflection mode. I have a lot of books to read, I have a handful of other people's Nano novels to enjoy and give feedback for, and I have a lot of thinking to do about Dating for Demons.

But starting next year, it's back to work.

I'll try to check in a few times before then. If I don't catch you, have very happy holidays.

The Importance of Input for Output

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an input/output entry. Lately I’ve been reading a great deal of non-fiction, books I’m not all that into, and watching a lot of episodic television, so I haven’t had much input to speak of.

I believe this directly correlates with how much trouble I’ve had writing this month.

I’ve said it so many times before: writers have to be avid readers. We have to constantly stimulate the mind in order to stay in touch with our creative sides; too much of our daily grind causes a complete shutdown of creativity, so in order to nurture, to cultivate a mind fertile for ideas to grow, it needs nutrients.

I’ve been starving my poor mind of stimulating input.

It’s true that I’ve had spurts of good, fun writing this month, but overall it’s been a slogfest.

Until two days ago. Writing the last two days has been easier than it has been all month. Fun even.

It’s possible that it’s because I’m nearing the end of my story – I’m finally on the downhill stretch, things are finally starting to happen, my characters are starting to reach the crest of their character arcs – but I think all of these things are happening because I finally read a book I was really excited about.

I have to remember to read while I’m writing. It’s tough sometimes to make time to write, let alone read, but the two go hand in hand.

Which brings me to this post’s actual input choice:

Grave Dance, by Kalayna Price

It only took me two days to read this book. I realized as I was reading it how much of my world in Online Dating for Demons was influenced by this series. My female lead has similar promiscuity issues, there’s a heavy use of glamour, the way magic/supernatural works in the world is similar. The main difference is I use demons instead of faeries.

I didn't mean to steal so blatantly from this author, but her books, while being pretty fluffy paranormal romance, are pretty awesome.

So. Yeah. If you like my story, you will love this series.

And with the help of this book and my writing group, my story will be done by midnight tomorrow, just in time for the end of National Novel Writing Month. I'm taking a long nap after that, and a short hiatus from writing.

Happy Thanksgiving

I've been struggling all day for the topic of today's blog, and while I contemplated all of the possible subjects, I realized that none of them felt quite right.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I've been pretty anti-holiday this year - mostly because I went overboard on holidays last year for various reasons - so I haven't thought much about the meanings behind them lately. They've all seemed like selfish or silly or commercial celebrations. I'm even soured on Christmas already and it's not even December.

But Thanksgiving is different. I know the true reason behind the day is the conquering of the native peoples, but I think the idea behind it is a profound one:

Be thankful for what you have.

People in our capitalist society always seem to want the next new thing - electronics, clothes, cars - but I've come to realize over the past year that those things are all just status symbols. Do we really need all of those trappings to be happy?

The answer is no. Friends. Family. Doing the things you love. Those are the things that make you happy. And for the most part, those important things don't cost money.

So tomorrow, as I sit down to our Thanksgiving feast, I am going to take a minute to count my blessings. And I am going to take that warm feeling and infuse it into the rest of my life.

I am thankful for my health. I'm thankful to have a good job. I'm thankful for little things like a wonderful cup of coffee or a fabulous glass of wine.

I'm thankful for my amazing friends. Those close friends who are the family that I chose, not the one I was born into.

I am so thankful for my family - my brother and sister are amazing people, my Dad has always been supportive and loving, and my aunts and uncles and grandma and grandpa and my cousins.

And I am so thankful for my writing group. These people have helped me realize that I can do this writing thing. Their support and encouragement has been the most amazing thing I've experienced this year.

Because I've also realized that I am finally doing what I love. I am writing. It's the smallest thing, sitting down every night to record the stories in my head, but I love it. Even the days I hate it, I love it. I've challenged myself more this year as far as writing than I have my entire life, and I met every challenge I set for myself. It feels right. It feels like I have finally answered some question about myself that I've been asking all my life.

I am so thankful for everyone who helped an encouraged me to follow my dream. I have a long way to go before I am successful at it, but I've been living my dream every day for the last year. Even if I never publish a book, the time I've spent writing and the time I've spent with my writing friends has been beyond worth it.

The invaluable things are the biggest things I am thankful for.

Thank you friends, family, and readers. I hope you have a fabulous Thanksgiving. Count your blessings, eat, drink, and be merry.

Should I Be Worried?

Please don't stab me

I think my serial killer is keeping secrets from me.

As a serial killer, he is, of course, by his very nature a secretive character, so one would expect him to be a bit reserved...but he won't even let me in. And I'm the writer. It's difficult to write a character who won't tell me what's going on.

He won't tell me what happened.

Maybe nothing did. Maybe he lived a perfectly normal, happy childhood and adolescence.

But the man is a serial killer. He doesn't believe that he is - he thinks he's doing the world a favor by ridding it of demons - but he gets too much joy from blood and death to avoid the sociopath label.

Something had to have made him that way. I keep trying to figure out what, but he keeps deflecting me with horrifying lines about murder being like popping zits, and watching blood soak a cotton ball, or contemplating the murder of inanimate objects, or what inanimate objects make good murder weapons.

He makes me uncomfortable when he talks like that, but also fascinated. It's like he's waving a shiny object in front of me so that I forget the nagging question: why the hell are you a serial killer??

I know that he has scars on his face. I know they enrage him. I suspect demons gave him those scars, but I don't know for sure. It could just have easily been his parents, or his next door neighbor, or the school bully.

What do you do when your character refuses to tell you the truth?

Those of you who don't write or who don't write fiction may think I'm being silly: I made up this character so why can't I easily make up his backstory? To put it a different way: I have tried on several different scenarios as to what trauma might have set off this descent into madness and darkness, but nothing fits. Nothing resonates. Nothing I think of feels right. I haven't found it yet.

This character has a very strong voice - and it's certainly not my normal style - but because of that, I've been letting him reveal bits and pieces of his life at his own pace.

I know eventually it will come to me. He'll blurt it out, like he does with everything. Even when I don't want him to.

But in the meantime, I can't help but feel like he's standing in the shadows behind me with his enchanted dagger clutched in his fist, waiting to slide it between my shoulderblades rather than tell me his story.

I've had a constant tickle between my shoulderblades since November started. I don't entirely trust this guy in my head.