Monday, March 30, 2020

March Update: Pandemic

Well...all of my plans have been hijacked by a global pandemic.

I don't have much to say about that, here. But, I am starting to feel like I'm just not meant to be a writer anymore. I'm sad and frustrated and depressed that I'd finally started getting back into the groove of things--setting reasonable goals, going out to write with friends, spending some of my free time adding words to stories--when COVID-19 took over the world. Now, I'm lucky if I manage to do more than play videogames in the evenings after a long, long day of trying to keep focused working remotely at home.

I have no energy or head space for fictional things. I can't even make myself care about worlds I love. It's like I've stepped back to that no-man's land of writers block, where just the thought of writing anything made me more tired than I thought possible.

I did try to start a pandemic daily log. I managed that for a few days, but now I mostly just use it to vent when I'm frustrated about stuff. It's a secret place for bitching rather than an interesting or entertaining account of what is going on, so I don't really feel like it should count toward my writing goals. So, I wrote 1400 words this month, before the pandemic hit hard.

And now my goals are more basic and have nothing to do with writing. Try to get outside at least once a day. Try to exercise. Don't binge eat. Don't binge drink. Don't check the stock market if I'm not emotionally prepared. Try to keep the house at least sort of tidy because it helps my mood. Make time for art when I'm up for it, at least a couple of times a week. Try to remember social distancing means physical distance, not complete social isolation.

There may come a time when I'm ready to write, again, but right now, I'm back to thinking that maybe the writing life isn't for me. As much as I wish I could make a living with my stories, in a way, right now, I'm glad I don't. Because I don't think I could sit here all day and write, even if it was for a paycheck. And I wouldn't have insurance.

Anyway. That's where I'm at with writing. I'm not, right now. I don't see that changing for awhile. Definitely not until after the pandemic peaks and begins to ebb again. Maybe not even then. So many things are going to change between now and then. Me included. I really may be done writing. For real this time.

So I may not update this blog again. Definitely not next month, unless I get hit with a powerful creativity. Possibly not again for several months. Maybe not at all. I'm not hugely optimistic, at any rate. With what's happening in the world, it's hard to be optimistic about much of anything.