April Update: Writing is slow, ideas are abundant

I hit a wall this past month. Not just writing. Depression hit hard, so most of my energies have been directed toward doing daily stuff like working and household stuff and feeding myself and sleeping. It's been a struggle.

I was already struggling with writing, though. I didn't talk about it at the last writers group meeting because I was just realizing how depressed I was and I didn't want to talk about it, or anything really. But the biggest thing I'm dealing with as far as writing right now isn't exactly writer's block, or impostor syndrome, although I guess it might be a combo of both. It's just that, when I go to reach for my writing skills when I sit down to write these days, it's just...not there. I have been writing for something like 20 years at this point. But my ability to do it? It is just...gone. I fumble around without a clue as to what I'm doing. It's not even a sluggish feeling. Or a feeling of I don't want to. It's that I LITERALLY CANNOT. It's terrifying.

So I have just been avoiding writing this past month because if I sit down to write one more time and the ability is still gone, I might lose my mind.

This goes beyond wanting to write and not having the time or energy or motivation. It's like reaching for a tool you've had and used often for half of your life, and it not being there anymore.

I don't think this will last. I imagine it'll come back. But I am so scared to even try.

I am at a bit of a loss as far as what to do for May, now. I had hoped to have most of this SP adventure written, so I'd just wrap it up then maybe move to CLC. But now I don't know what to do with myself. Do I try to write SP? Or do I go straight to CLC? Or do I work on something entirely different while I try to screw my writing cap back on? Or maybe I reread MystWatch 1 and see if I can give editing MystWatch 2 editing another crack.

Most of the month I just coasted, not worried about it, but then I made it worse by sitting down and making another 10 year plan. Why do I always do that?? Seriously. Things were going so well this year with my, write two days a week, take it slow, take it easy, don't think beyond this year, just see what you can comfortably do. But then I hit the editing month and was pressuring myself to work almost daily, and then I tried to back off but I was already burning out when this month hit, and then I broke it by thinking about how/when to monetize.

That said, the plan wasn't bad. Of course, I always make these plans when I can't write. Because making plans about writing instead of writing still feels like progress sometimes.

At any rate. As of writing this, it's only April 25. Maybe I'll get my ass in gear and write every day this week to catch up on Camp NaNo. Or maybe I'll just paint instead and consider this a break month.

More importantly, I have got to figure out what I'm doing next month. It's all a big question mark, and that terrifies me.

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It's now April 29, and things are going better. I did determine after writing that last part that I would buckle down and write a little bit every day for the rest of the month. I managed three days in a row on SP, a total of 3300 words. Last night, I spent the evening with my sister, but before I went over there, I did sit down and write a more detailed, concrete outline for the rest of the adventure. I have notes for each scene I need to write, so I should be able to knock it out pretty easily. When I'm able to write better.

It's been rough, writing SP the last few days. I don't feel very funny, so not a lot of humor is making it in. Which is sad. I always look forward to the funny bits. It all seems so forced, so maybe I've ruined it. But it's SP, so maybe that doesn't matter.

My 10 year plan didn't make room for SP at all. And that makes me legitimately sad. I know if I want to write a book a year and edit a book a year (although when I say "edit a book," I actually mean dev edit one book, copy edit one book, and proof one book, and also outline a new book), something will have to give. It just sucks that it would have to be Sally. Those I write for myself and I really enjoy them.

Anyway. After looking at my 10 year plan made me tired, I determined it's still do-able if I wait until I'm 50 to start it. That way, I have eight years to write whatever I want in any order I want. I want to publish MystWatch by 50, so maybe that's just what I do. And anything else I can build up between now and then will be gravy. I may have to back off to one SP a year rather than two, but that's more in line with what I've managed in the past.

Anyway. I have been writing the last four days, so I'm closer to my NaNo goal. And my April goal. Although I guess my original goal was to write the whole adventure. I am halfway, though! I think I can finish it next month then switch over to CLC and knock out some words. Maybe not many. Maybe just a few.

Then my project timeline has me switching back to Mystwatch 2 for June. Ugghhh. I may be ready by that point, though. Or I may be really into CLC and try to finish that entirely before switching to, I dunno. SP 2.5 or editing. I am playing it by ear, although I did seem to have a good sense of my ebb and flow of energies when making the original plan, so I may stick to it, after all.

But yeah. Biggest goal for May is to finish SP 2.4. Any words I add to CLC are bonus words, honestly. I will need to write a lot for CLC at some point, but I want to finish this SP adventure this year. I need to be doing at least one a year, or this series will never end. And as much as I contemplated giving up on her forever...that'll never happen. I'll always go back to her, even if I'm only telling her stories for myself. I am my number one fan, after all.

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 One final thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that, despite struggling with writing, I've been very much in tune with my creative energies. I've brainstormed more than one thing this month. I read over the first Pandemonium novel and got excited about it again. Made more detailed plans for the sequels. I have gone back and read over just about every story idea I've ever had. Read most of my short stories (even read a few kid-friendly ones to Althea, which she loved, although was afraid of the gremlin in Mischief after Midnight, woops). I wrote up some notes for the assassin story I've always toyed with. I wrote notes out for a dream I had. I started a new short story for Althea. I found a few old stories I never finished that I want to work on.

I am in the MOOD to write. I am excited about my stories. The actual act of writing is still tough, though. The words are coming, just slowly. They work better as brainstorms right now. But I'm making slow progress. I may not hit my Camp NaNo goal, but I still feel good about the last few days.

A lot of it is that I've been managing my depression better. That makes everything a little easier. I'm hoping between that and next month being May, I will have a prolific month.

I just don't have enough time in my life to write all the things I wish I could!