My last update was rather fatalistic. The sad part is, I believed it, then. And while the pandemic is still a constant drain on my energy and creativity, I've actually found a little time and space to put some words down.
I spent most of the month thinking about a FF12 fanfic, and about halfway through the month, I finally decided to jot some of those ideas down. And I ended up with nearly 4k words by the end of the month on this silly little thing. I actually decided only a couple of days ago that I was going to count that toward my monthly writing goals. Was it a coherent story? No. It wasn't even written as a story, more as brainstorming notes. But I'm counting it. I spent time thinking about a narrative, and I wrote down the details of that narrative. That, right now, counts.
And hey, yesterday, I actually wrote nearly 400 words on the YA novel I started last month. See? That is the main reason I counted those fanfic words. Because those words led to other words. My own words. Narrative words. On my own story.
I still really love the concept of that novel. I was starting to worry that first chapter was going to be boring, but it is a great balance of tension and release. And I got to the end of the chapter yesterday. It actually has a really good chapter arc. I've never intentionally built a chapter the way I build a story, but in a way, I think I've always done that. I made an intentional choice to end that chapter where I did because it hit a bit of a natural "climax," and then a resolution for the chapter, but introducing new conflict.
I'm good at writing. As much as I love physical arts like painting, pottery, even music, I am mediocre at best at those things. But writing? I have some natural talent, and I have cultivated those skills for over a decade.
I will always be a writer. I will always come back to writing. I love it. Even when I can't do it, or don't want to do it, or don't feel like I am any good, I am still a writer. I keep coming back to this fact. I take breaks. Some longer than others. Sometimes it's hard to go back to it. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes my returns are fleeting. Sometimes, like last time, I had a couple solid years where I wrote and edited a ton. Like everything in life, there are cycles.
All that being said, being a writer and making a living writing are very different things. I have done a ton of ruminating on this. I've been struggling to separate those two things so that I can actually enjoy writing again. I think, deep down, I still hadn't let go of the idea that I was going to make a living as a writer someday. It was still a someday dream. And that was hurting my ability to write just to write. I could only think about how to monetize what I was writing. I hate that. I don't want that, anymore.
I don't want that anymore.
I don't want to make a living as a writer. I do want to write. I want to write books, and short stories, and blog posts, and hey, maybe even get some of those things published. It'd be cool if I could get some of my books out there for people to read. I don't even care that much about the money, at this point. The pressure of writing, writing, writing to make sure I get something out every X months in order to keep whatever algorithm going to make the most possible money. I've been tracking my progress for around five years, now. I can't keep up that pace. It leads to burnout. So, self-publishing as a career is out. And...well, I don't think I write commercially or well enough to break into the traditional publishing industry. Even then, there's probably a certain amount of pressure to write, write, write to make money, money, money, for my publisher, for my editor, for my agent. Aside from all that, the query process is awful. That did more damage to my creativity than...well, not this pandemic. It did a lot of damage, though. I still haven't gotten back into it. Even without the pandemic, I would probably still only be dipping my toe in creative waters.
It used to be that I desperately wanted to get out of my current job, and the idea of writing full time seemed like a dream job. Now, as much as some days my job is mind-numbing, uninspiring, and frustrating, I value it quite a bit. I make a decent salary. I'm nearly halfway to retirement. It's enabling me to save up enough money to buy my dream house, to be able to put away savings for later in life, and gives me plenty of time to take off work, be sick, work from home, even do a bit of writing/blogging/research on work time, when we're slow. And I don't have to worry about being self-directed. And I don't have to take work home with me.
True, I hate that 40 hours a week are not my own, but if I have to work, and I can't be a full-time writer, I have a damn good job. Will it last me the next 16 years until I can retire? Maybe not. And I might have to reassess at some point, if this job comes to an end. Do I stay at KU? Do I stay an editor? But I don't have to answer those questions right now.
Anyway. That was a bit of a tangent, but it does have some relevance, here. This blog was originally designed as a way to track my progress to becoming a published author. I think the unwritten implication there is that once I was a published author, I'd slowly transition this blog into my journey as published author to full-time author.
That's no longer the case. This is the last year of my 30s. I've made a lot of progress as a writer. And it's something that, even after this long, I still love. Most parts of it, anyway. Some days, anyway. Ehem. It's a thing I still do, feelings about it aside. But my goals have changed.
Yes, I still want to publish a book. But I think the second, unspoken part of that goal can be laid to rest.
I want to be a published author, not a full-time writer.
And hey, just because I'm almost 40 doesn't mean I have to stop striving for that. And even when I accomplish that, I can still blog about my writing progress. My writing goals.
So. This month, I managed to write nearly 5,000 words. Next month, I'd like to do about the same. Even if it's fanfic. And maybe take a look at the MystWatch books, if I find I have the energy and inclination.
Unless something untoward happens, I will see you next month for another update. Maybe an update that's not quite as philosophical and rambling. But maybe it will be. I am a writer, after all.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Monday, March 30, 2020
March Update: Pandemic
Well...all of my plans have been hijacked by a global pandemic.
I don't have much to say about that, here. But, I am starting to feel like I'm just not meant to be a writer anymore. I'm sad and frustrated and depressed that I'd finally started getting back into the groove of things--setting reasonable goals, going out to write with friends, spending some of my free time adding words to stories--when COVID-19 took over the world. Now, I'm lucky if I manage to do more than play videogames in the evenings after a long, long day of trying to keep focused working remotely at home.
I have no energy or head space for fictional things. I can't even make myself care about worlds I love. It's like I've stepped back to that no-man's land of writers block, where just the thought of writing anything made me more tired than I thought possible.
I did try to start a pandemic daily log. I managed that for a few days, but now I mostly just use it to vent when I'm frustrated about stuff. It's a secret place for bitching rather than an interesting or entertaining account of what is going on, so I don't really feel like it should count toward my writing goals. So, I wrote 1400 words this month, before the pandemic hit hard.
And now my goals are more basic and have nothing to do with writing. Try to get outside at least once a day. Try to exercise. Don't binge eat. Don't binge drink. Don't check the stock market if I'm not emotionally prepared. Try to keep the house at least sort of tidy because it helps my mood. Make time for art when I'm up for it, at least a couple of times a week. Try to remember social distancing means physical distance, not complete social isolation.
There may come a time when I'm ready to write, again, but right now, I'm back to thinking that maybe the writing life isn't for me. As much as I wish I could make a living with my stories, in a way, right now, I'm glad I don't. Because I don't think I could sit here all day and write, even if it was for a paycheck. And I wouldn't have insurance.
Anyway. That's where I'm at with writing. I'm not, right now. I don't see that changing for awhile. Definitely not until after the pandemic peaks and begins to ebb again. Maybe not even then. So many things are going to change between now and then. Me included. I really may be done writing. For real this time.
So I may not update this blog again. Definitely not next month, unless I get hit with a powerful creativity. Possibly not again for several months. Maybe not at all. I'm not hugely optimistic, at any rate. With what's happening in the world, it's hard to be optimistic about much of anything.
I don't have much to say about that, here. But, I am starting to feel like I'm just not meant to be a writer anymore. I'm sad and frustrated and depressed that I'd finally started getting back into the groove of things--setting reasonable goals, going out to write with friends, spending some of my free time adding words to stories--when COVID-19 took over the world. Now, I'm lucky if I manage to do more than play videogames in the evenings after a long, long day of trying to keep focused working remotely at home.
I have no energy or head space for fictional things. I can't even make myself care about worlds I love. It's like I've stepped back to that no-man's land of writers block, where just the thought of writing anything made me more tired than I thought possible.
I did try to start a pandemic daily log. I managed that for a few days, but now I mostly just use it to vent when I'm frustrated about stuff. It's a secret place for bitching rather than an interesting or entertaining account of what is going on, so I don't really feel like it should count toward my writing goals. So, I wrote 1400 words this month, before the pandemic hit hard.
And now my goals are more basic and have nothing to do with writing. Try to get outside at least once a day. Try to exercise. Don't binge eat. Don't binge drink. Don't check the stock market if I'm not emotionally prepared. Try to keep the house at least sort of tidy because it helps my mood. Make time for art when I'm up for it, at least a couple of times a week. Try to remember social distancing means physical distance, not complete social isolation.
There may come a time when I'm ready to write, again, but right now, I'm back to thinking that maybe the writing life isn't for me. As much as I wish I could make a living with my stories, in a way, right now, I'm glad I don't. Because I don't think I could sit here all day and write, even if it was for a paycheck. And I wouldn't have insurance.
Anyway. That's where I'm at with writing. I'm not, right now. I don't see that changing for awhile. Definitely not until after the pandemic peaks and begins to ebb again. Maybe not even then. So many things are going to change between now and then. Me included. I really may be done writing. For real this time.
So I may not update this blog again. Definitely not next month, unless I get hit with a powerful creativity. Possibly not again for several months. Maybe not at all. I'm not hugely optimistic, at any rate. With what's happening in the world, it's hard to be optimistic about much of anything.
Saturday, February 29, 2020
February Update: Still Plodding Along
I'm actually writing this update on March 1 and backdating it, because I forgot to update my progress last month. Woops. I guess that's why I was doing beginning-of-the-month posts. So I could post a few days or so in, and it wasn't a huge deal. I suppose I could date this as a normal March update, but that leaves me without an update for February, which I don't love.
So, we're going to pretend it's February 30 for the day. We're writers. We can do that, right?
That's a lie. I can't pretend it's the last day of February. I have too many things to do for the first of March. So, I'll just pretend for the sake of this post.
Okay, so, progress. Previously on my blog, I mentioned I'd been playing with all these different new dream ideas and made tentative plans to work on Druid Wars 2 and MystWatch 3 this year. I also made the goal to write 5k words a month on whatever I felt like working on.
So, this month, I bounced around a lot. I worked on a couple different short stories. I poked at Suddenly, Zombies! for an afternoon. And then, I had another YA urban fantasy dream that I wrote down...and now I have a new novel I'm working on.
I like this one better than the storm elemental one I was thinking about doing. There were pieces of that one that I didn't know how they worked, and it was a driving force of the story. So I shelved it (and also because it came during my fallow period and didn't excite me enough to bust me out of it). Now, this dream has a lot of similar elements, but came to me more fully fleshed out. Still some weird logistics I'll have to tweak, but in general, it's going to be easier to work with. Maybe less exciting, but that's okay. I'm torn, now, between the idea that this book is going to cannibalize all the pieces of that book, so I can't write it anymore. But maybe it can be in roughly the same world? It's just two mom stories. Maybe that's a wheelhouse I can get into. YA with teenagers that have magical moms and have to deal with it?
We'll see, I guess. That's getting ahead of myself. Right now, I really just want to write what I'm excited to write, and this book has permeated my mind. And the writing is relatively easy. So I feel like I'm writing on the right project.
One of the things I didn't talk about because I think it happened after my last post is that we've created a new writing group. We've pulled in all of our most dedicated and supportive members of the old, flagging group, and have set up monthly meetings and weekly check-in posts. It's really helped me a lot with the staying accountable, setting measurable and achievable goals, and even set up some writing time. We're going to meet the first Sunday of each month to address what we want from the group and how to structure it as we figure out all of our wants and needs and what works and what doesn't. We all have such discrete schedules that it's hard to make one day and time work for all of us. But. We seem to be all making writing time in drips and drabs with the people who can. I've fallen back into the Saturdays with Dianne and sometimes Amanda. It works really well for me, because I get to sleep in a bit, sometimes go for a walk, do a few chores or errands, then sit down and focus on writing for a few hours before figuring out dinner plans and stuff with the boys. Afternoons seem to be my most productive time, other than late in the evening, so it works. I don't think I'll ever be a morning writer. Mornings are for reflection and brainstorming and writing down dreams.
At any rate. That was info I needed to share but was more long-winded than I meant for it to be. The heart of this post is that I have a new novel idea, I wrote almost 7k words this month, and I'm feeling great about writing, again. I'm still planning on going slow. I still love the 5k a month on whatever I want to work on goal. I may abandon my novel mid month. Or I may have a prolific month and write 15k on it. We'll see. No pressure either way.
I do keep circling back to MystWatch, though. I tried to write some words on the Shane short, but I've decided I'm not in the write voice to write him right now. I am going to do an editing pass on books 1 and 2 in preparation for editing book 3, then hand the whole series to Aron, at least. Maybe Em, if she wants. Once I've been immersed in that world for that long, I'll have a better grasp on how to get into and wrap up Shane's story. I owe it to him. And it will help me see if I can write a spin-off series about him. I want to. I think it has potential to be cool. And it'll put me back in that world without falling back into the whole, holding on to your first completed book way past time to let it go. Which I think everyone is worried about, at this point. Me, too, a little.
I'm not making any huge plans to work on that in the next few months. I'd still like to see if I get any beta reads back. It's on Dianne's to-do list, now, so maybe in a month or so, I'll have her feedback to help guide my edit. And Jack will be done with his MFA after this weekend, as well as basketball, so hopefully he'll finally finish reading it, too. And I may nudge Rachel, just to let her know that I'd really love her thoughts and feelings on it, when she gets a chance.
Phew. That's a lot for one post. I'll end it with the goal to try to write at least another 5k next month, hopefully on my new novel. And I'm going to think on adjusting my posting schedule so it's back to being at the beginning of the month rather than the end. Maybe I'll start posting the day after our monthly meetings. We'll see how it goes.
So, we're going to pretend it's February 30 for the day. We're writers. We can do that, right?
That's a lie. I can't pretend it's the last day of February. I have too many things to do for the first of March. So, I'll just pretend for the sake of this post.
Okay, so, progress. Previously on my blog, I mentioned I'd been playing with all these different new dream ideas and made tentative plans to work on Druid Wars 2 and MystWatch 3 this year. I also made the goal to write 5k words a month on whatever I felt like working on.
So, this month, I bounced around a lot. I worked on a couple different short stories. I poked at Suddenly, Zombies! for an afternoon. And then, I had another YA urban fantasy dream that I wrote down...and now I have a new novel I'm working on.
I like this one better than the storm elemental one I was thinking about doing. There were pieces of that one that I didn't know how they worked, and it was a driving force of the story. So I shelved it (and also because it came during my fallow period and didn't excite me enough to bust me out of it). Now, this dream has a lot of similar elements, but came to me more fully fleshed out. Still some weird logistics I'll have to tweak, but in general, it's going to be easier to work with. Maybe less exciting, but that's okay. I'm torn, now, between the idea that this book is going to cannibalize all the pieces of that book, so I can't write it anymore. But maybe it can be in roughly the same world? It's just two mom stories. Maybe that's a wheelhouse I can get into. YA with teenagers that have magical moms and have to deal with it?
We'll see, I guess. That's getting ahead of myself. Right now, I really just want to write what I'm excited to write, and this book has permeated my mind. And the writing is relatively easy. So I feel like I'm writing on the right project.
One of the things I didn't talk about because I think it happened after my last post is that we've created a new writing group. We've pulled in all of our most dedicated and supportive members of the old, flagging group, and have set up monthly meetings and weekly check-in posts. It's really helped me a lot with the staying accountable, setting measurable and achievable goals, and even set up some writing time. We're going to meet the first Sunday of each month to address what we want from the group and how to structure it as we figure out all of our wants and needs and what works and what doesn't. We all have such discrete schedules that it's hard to make one day and time work for all of us. But. We seem to be all making writing time in drips and drabs with the people who can. I've fallen back into the Saturdays with Dianne and sometimes Amanda. It works really well for me, because I get to sleep in a bit, sometimes go for a walk, do a few chores or errands, then sit down and focus on writing for a few hours before figuring out dinner plans and stuff with the boys. Afternoons seem to be my most productive time, other than late in the evening, so it works. I don't think I'll ever be a morning writer. Mornings are for reflection and brainstorming and writing down dreams.
At any rate. That was info I needed to share but was more long-winded than I meant for it to be. The heart of this post is that I have a new novel idea, I wrote almost 7k words this month, and I'm feeling great about writing, again. I'm still planning on going slow. I still love the 5k a month on whatever I want to work on goal. I may abandon my novel mid month. Or I may have a prolific month and write 15k on it. We'll see. No pressure either way.
I do keep circling back to MystWatch, though. I tried to write some words on the Shane short, but I've decided I'm not in the write voice to write him right now. I am going to do an editing pass on books 1 and 2 in preparation for editing book 3, then hand the whole series to Aron, at least. Maybe Em, if she wants. Once I've been immersed in that world for that long, I'll have a better grasp on how to get into and wrap up Shane's story. I owe it to him. And it will help me see if I can write a spin-off series about him. I want to. I think it has potential to be cool. And it'll put me back in that world without falling back into the whole, holding on to your first completed book way past time to let it go. Which I think everyone is worried about, at this point. Me, too, a little.
I'm not making any huge plans to work on that in the next few months. I'd still like to see if I get any beta reads back. It's on Dianne's to-do list, now, so maybe in a month or so, I'll have her feedback to help guide my edit. And Jack will be done with his MFA after this weekend, as well as basketball, so hopefully he'll finally finish reading it, too. And I may nudge Rachel, just to let her know that I'd really love her thoughts and feelings on it, when she gets a chance.
Phew. That's a lot for one post. I'll end it with the goal to try to write at least another 5k next month, hopefully on my new novel. And I'm going to think on adjusting my posting schedule so it's back to being at the beginning of the month rather than the end. Maybe I'll start posting the day after our monthly meetings. We'll see how it goes.
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