2021 Update: Hey, an Update!

I have been reluctant to update, since my last post was such a poetical, fitting last post for this blog. I talked about how I was about to turn 40, which marked the expiration of time to meet my writing goal. I shared how that goal had changed, how I no longer wanted to write for publication. And I mentioned that I'm thinking about a career change that would limit my time and ability to write for the foreseeable future. I even referenced the title of the blog!

That made for a wonderfully satisfying "The End" to the writing blog story.

Unfortunately, that's not how I work as a writer. Nothing is ever really finished. Especially me writing, as this blog has illustrated over and over the past decade. So, while I've stayed away from updating this blog for the last nearly four months, I haven't exactly been dormant when it comes to writing.

Well, I was totally dormant all of November, all but one day in December, and all of January. But! In February, I did some things!

Back up, though. Before I talk about this year, I need to take a moment to talk about last year, since I never did my end-of-the-year post. Because despite there being a pandemic, and despite my break-up with writing, I did make progress on things.

In 2020, I:

• Wrote a total of 62, 650 words
• Of those words, 22,618 were non-brainstorm words
• I wrote at least one day in every month except November (ironic, no?)
• My average of days worked each month (even with my zero month) was 6.75
• I spent 75 hours editing my work
  
• I finished my last outstanding Cafe story (and finally wrote the "Closing Time" post)
• I finally finished Shane's MystWatch short story
• I came up with two new novel ideas, one of which I wrote 3k on
• I made progress on SP 2.3
• I did another really great editing pass on Hunter's Blood, making it nearly perfect
  
• I did another intensive editing read of Hunter's Torment and did an editing treatment for it
  
• I started a homesteading/apocalypse blog
  

That's all the writing stuff I did in a year I had totally given up on it. And of course, by totally giving up, I mean I didn't really want to do much writing, but I pushed myself to work. A lot of times I did that to help Rachel out. But I also did it to help myself out.

Because despite turning 40 and not reaching the main goal I set when I started this blog, it's been a hell of a journey, and I don't want to stop, now. I spent an afternoon the other day reading back over the earlier years of this blog. Little baby Sara was so full of hope and motivation and big ideas and plans. It was fun to read about her getting serious. To watch as she felt out her process. To see the evolution of her writing. To watch her give up and then go back to it, time and time again.

The Sara from this blog is a damned inspiration. She went from never having finished a full-length novel (and honestly not finishing all that many short stories), to writing two complete novels, a novella, and several short stories in the first year. She worked hard and made progress and didn't give up even when all odds were stacked against her (or if she did give up, she went back to work, just as hard).

Who am I, 40-year-old Sara, to dishonor how hard 30-year-old-Sara worked to get to this point by giving up, now? I've written something like six books and a hundred short stories at this point (a gross estimation, but probably fairly close, give or take).

And the real truth is, I miss it. I mostly miss having written, because it's still the coolest feeling in the world, reading something I've written and being amazed at how good it is (or, at the very least, how much I, subjectively, love it). But I also miss losing myself for hours as I explore a world I see in my mind. How characters take on lives of their own. How fitting each scene together is like putting a puzzle together. How going on long walks helps me work out story kinks. And I really, really miss sitting at Dillon's with my writing buddies talking about all things writing for hours and hours and finally settling in for thirty minutes of writing before we have to leave.

So! New decade, new goals. Different goals. I still want to write. But the goals are going to be things that I can control. Getting a book published is outside of my control. Even if I had done everything right (which I'm still not sure I did), the outcome could have been the same. Besides, the book publishing world is a weird place these days, and being any sort of public figure a tricky business. I know that writing for myself is a less motivating strategy, but it seemed like I was happiest, and wrote some of my favorite stuff, when I was still just practicing writing. So I'd like to get back to that.

This seems like a good year to get back to my roots. Write the stuff I want to read. Focus on finishing up stories (but only the ones I still love). Push myself when I feel the desire to write, but back off when I don't. Try to get at least 5k words written each month, and hopefully write at least 7 days each month.

And I have made a few overtures toward those ends already.

In February, I really tried to get the writing group to help me with some sort of short story prompt project. Similar to the Cafe, but without posting on a public platform. That, sadly, only lasted about a week before I grew bored. Not sure if it was writing that I grew bored with, or my ideas, or the lack of interest from other writers in what I had hoped would be an exciting way to breathe new life into all of our writing.

As much as all of that failed, I did brainstorm ideas for three short stories, one of which I even started (a Makai MystWatch short, of all things). I even threw a few thousand words on SP 2.3. I wrote a total of 4.1k words in February, and 3k of those were narrative words, not brainstorm.

Of course, it's a week from the end of March, and I have yet to do any writing this month, brainstorm or otherwise. But. The last few days I've been in the mood. I'm hoping by writing this blog (and having read over it earlier this week), I can muster up some motivation and write at least a few of the days left in this month.

So that's this year's update so far. I am still not sure I'll update every month. It'll depend on my progress and my feelings about said progress. But I want this blog to be more fun. Toward the end of the decade, it was a slog of my publishing plans and what my next big project was and how that fit into my five-year or ten-year plan. Which, was important, then. I was trying to figure out if I could make any money self-publishing, and if I could keep submitting traditionally while I tried to make money myself. It was a stressful balancing act that relied on me creating a certain amount of product to keep it all going. But despite amazing progress for three years, it wasn't a pace I could keep up. Especially with the mounting pile of rejections. So, as I mentioned, I'm going back to my roots for the next ten years of this blog.

I may never recapture the magic of those early days. And now that I'm a decade older, my passions and interests have changed, so I may never write the kinds of things I used to. But I want to keep writing. Even if it's only a handful of days each month. Even if it takes me a year to finish even one book or get one SP adventure completed.

Maybe as the year plods along, I'll tweak my goals. But for now, I'm keeping it simple, and following the spirited and elusive unicorn that is the magic of my writing.

October Update: No More Progress

 Well, after a couple of stellar months in the progress department, it all fell off in October.

I'm not sure what happened, really. I started off fairly well, as I mentioned in the last post. I worked on edits for that Cafe short story. I brainstormed for a romance novel. And I even poked at SP. Then, Jack and I spent a weekend camping, and I did some writing by hand for my writing date with Rachel. I actually got over 600 words written on the romance novel I'd brainstormed for.

But that's all I did last month.

I got to feeling like I was only keeping writing dates with Rachel to keep her working. I wasn't getting any enjoyment out of attempting to write, and she always seemed to be looking for an excuse not to write, so I didn't press. We even talked about starting writing again once November hit. Doing our own "secret NaNo" as it were. But. We haven't done that, either.

I just haven't felt like writing at all. Or editing, for that matter. It's been a huge load off, not worrying about NaNo this month. And it's also been a really freeing feeling, reminding myself that I don't have to be a writer anymore if I don't want to. I don't have to remember quirky things I see to maybe incorporate in a book, or try to find the words to describe a beautiful scene. I can just be and enjoy the moment.

I've been thinking a lot about my future the last few weeks. I've spent the last decade or so intently focused on writing and editing. I wanted to write and edit fantasy novels for a living. I had hopes that I might be able to quit my day job to do those things within ten years. I looked forward to trying to make that my whole life.

And now? I don't know. Maybe it's the disillusionment of having two novels rejected completely by the publishing world. Maybe I have gotten tired of the imposter syndrome any time I have to edit anything. Maybe it's realizing that, after twenty years of writing, I'm not really all that good at it. It was the same with the clarinet. I played that damn thing for fifteen years and was never better than passable at it. It was easier than I expected to quit it entirely.

Now, I don't see myself ever quitting writing entirely. But. I think I've settled into the idea that it's a hobby. When I don't feel like doing it, or don't have time to do it, it's okay. I don't have to. I no longer have a self-publishing timeline. I don't have to spend thousands of dollars to try to self-publish a mediocre trilogy about vampires and vengeance. I don't have to torture myself to write a sequel to a book I don't love, or finish books I've put down because I've lost interest. I don't even have to try to be funny and quirky with my fantasy adventure series unless I'm really feeling it.

Now, did it feel good to finish those two short stories? Hell yes, it did. Does it feel amazing to go back and read something I'm really proud of? Definitely. So. Yeah. I'll keep writing and editing for myself. But forcing myself to write when I don't feel up to it is a great way to snuff out that writing flame, as I keep saying.

It's entirely possible this is part of a midlife crisis, but I think I'm going to take my life in a new direction. I am tired of trying to be an editor. As much as I love certain aspects of my job, I do not actually like what I'm doing most of the time. And I get very anxious when I have to do actual editing for it. Still. Even after five years of doing this. So after a lot of thought and internet searches, I have tentatively decided to aim for a career change over the next few years. I want to do something with nature. Something that gets me outside. Because that's always been the hardest part of being a writer. After spending all day long in front of a computer for work, it was sometimes difficult to make myself sit at a computer for a few more hours to work on writing.

That's all I'll say about that here, since this is a writing blog. But. As I enter my 40th year next year, I may start updating this blog quarterly, or when I've had a good writing/editing month. It may be time to retire this blog. This blog I started when I turned 30, with the goal to have a book published by my 40th birthday.

I did not meet that goal. Not really. But. With the help of this blog, I did work toward that goal fairly diligently for the last decade. It kept me accountable. It kept me hopeful when I'd given up hope. It reminded me that I love writing, even when it's hard or seems fruitless. Writing is its own reward. And by letting go of my ten-year goal of being published, I can go back to the days where I wrote for the sheer joy of putting words on a page. Nobody ever has to see what I write, anymore. And I'm giving myself the space to pursue other things.

And maybe I'll make a new blog to focus on my new journey to work outside. I do hope that within the next ten years, I can make a living doing something with forestry. New decade, new goals.

I know I've said before that I might stop updating here, and I keep coming back. So I haven't given up on this blog, yet. I won't make any promises of updates or lack of updates in the future. I will play it by ear. And as the months march ever onward, I will continue to be a Prospective Writer.

September Update: Incredible Progress

I've tried to sit down and write this blog a few times so far this month, but I just wasn't feeling it. Not that I don't have plenty to report or anything. I just haven't been in a blogging mood.

But, I need to get it done, because we're a week into October now.

So, first up, I finally finished my old Cafe story, got it edited, and posted it to the Cafe. That was my biggest accomplishment for the month, and boy did it feel good. Now I feel like I have finally closed the "book" on the Cafe, so to speak. I know I didn't owe it to anyone, but I felt I owed it to myself and my project of eight years. Plus, I really wanted to get that third story of the Witch's Daughter series finished up. I even brainstormed some ideas for the next story! Maybe I'll write another one next year and, I don't know, post them on this website or something. Or at least link them. I guess I probably can't put any more stories on the Cafe, since we're closed. But anyway. That's a future Sara problem. I'm not in any hurry to write the next one. It's just nice to know what comes next, if I ever decide I want to revisit that world. I've often thought it might make a good novel, although for now, I like that it's just stories from her life rather than a cohesive book.

Also, I've started tracking how many words I write each month that are actual story words rather than brainstorming notes. I'm still counting brainstorming notes in my overall totals, but I was curious how much forward motion I was actually making. And I wrote almost 11k words last month! That includes finishing up my Superhero Shane story, finishing up my Witch's Daughter story, and getting a good chunk of words written on the next Sally Prescott story.

So yeah, I had a really great month. I think Rachel did, too. She broke 35k last night, so she's finally over halfway.

This month, I want to keep poking at SP. I haven't been in much of a writing mood, but I've been trying to at least read over it and put a few paragraphs on it when Rachel and I meet. It's slow going, but progress is progress.

I also wrote out some notes for a romance novel I may write someday. But that was this month, not last month. And while it's a few thousand words, it doesn't count toward new content. So, I'm hopeful I can keep up my writing momentum this month. Or get back into it. I'm not sure I'll finish SP or not, but I'm going to try. That's my main goal.

But, if I honestly can't get back into it, I may poke at other projects, see if anything else captures my imagination. I've got Chain Letter Choice, Nightmare of Sleepy Shoals, and Once We Were Witches that are all floating around in the back of my mind. There's also the second Druid Wars book, but I'm fairly convinced that'll be a next-year project. I only have maybe one, one and a half solid writing months left this year, so I'd rather use my energies to add to things I've already started rather than start something completely new.

If nothing else compels me to write, I may just shift back to editing. I have plenty of things to edit, so that might be a better use of my time if I can produce words. I'm just not sure I'm ready to dive back into MystWatch yet. I want to really miss it before I go back, so I have plenty of enthusiasm to do the things I need to do with book 2 and with the Shane story. Book 3 is still very much a back burner, project for the future right now. Hopefully my siblings will understand. It's taken me this long to get back into writing after swearing it off utterly last year. It's still a delicate flame that I'm guarding as protectively as I can, doing my best to nurture it without snuffing it out. Once it's back to a well-established fire, I will share with others that I'm back at it. If I get there. But now, I'm still staying quiet about writing and treating it with as much awe and delicacy as I can.

Which means I am not planning on doing NaNoWriMo this year. It will be the first time in 15 years I haven't at least attempted it. I do plan on trying to write through November, with Rachel like we have been, but I will not be using the NaNo website to do any tracking, nor attend any of the events. I don't even plan on logging into the website. I left them some fairly scathing feedback, expressing my disappointment at their change in direction, and told them I had no plans of returning. I feel like this year, the best thing I can do is keep that promise by not giving them any site traffic. I may feel differently next year, but this year, NaNo does not exist for me. It is dead. A part of my past I want to move on from. Which is a complicated mess of feelings, but mostly I'm looking forward to a November that I write on my own terms without being harassed by emails from HQ or MLs or newbie writers or writers that steal my creative energies. Like I said. Delicate flame. None of that will feed it, only work to extinguish it.

Anyway. I have three weeks left this month to make some writing progress. Hopefully I can wrap up with SP adventure, since I had originally hoped to write two a year so I could eventually start putting them out. But, as long as I get one finished this year, I'll be happy. I'm writing them mostly for myself right now, anyway.

That pretty much wraps up this update. Apparently I did have a blog post in me after all.