December Update: 2019 Achievements and the Uncertain Path Ahead

For some reason, I thought I'd already written a December post. Woops. Guess I should do that, now.

So, NaNoWriMo was a bust. I never even made it to any write-ins. I went to some of the non-writing events, but I stayed out of the Discord completely except for the midnight kickoff, and I stopped checking in on the forums after the second week. I swore the event off completely on the 20th when they announced validating wasn't going to be a thing, revealing they'd done nothing but lie and miscommunicate with MLs and users the whole flipping month (and much of the month before that). The NaNO HQ staff totally ruined the event for me, which sucked, since I'd already been struggling with writing so much. I mean, if it had been like every other year, it still might not have rekindled my love for writing. But as it was, I stopped writing after the first week, and all of my good feelings toward NaNo soured shortly after that. It's unlikely I'll ever go back, if I'm honest. And while some of that is due to my struggle with writing these days, a lot of that is I think it's time to move on from NaNo.

Some of my quitting last month was because my novel idea took a turn I wasn't ready to follow after. I think it's going to be a cool world, but it's not something I'm interesting in writing about right now.

Although to be fair to the novel, I'm not really interested in writing about much of anything right now.

At any rate, between the 5k words I wrote on the novel and another 2k words I wrote brainstorming a dream, I ended up with a little over 7k for the month. Which is more words than I've written in a single month since May. I wrote almost 5k in June, but not much more than 5k total in the months between June and November. So. I wrote some words, finally. More than just brainstorming words, too. Yay.

Trouble is, I still have no love, excitement, or passion about writing. I didn't enjoy writing any of those seven thousand words. It was perfunctory. Like a chore. Something I felt like I was supposed to do. I think I mentioned that last entry (I only wrote one other day after that post aside from the 2k brainstorming day on the 19th), and that never really changed.

So, yeah. I'm still not in the right mindset to write. I did get a little excited as I read back through this year's blog posts, though. I made some pretty awesome progress those first several months.

This progress should be noted, as this is, essentially, my year-end post.

In 2019, I:

• Wrote nearly 60,000 words over the course of the year
• Finished final edits on Druid Wars and queried 50 agents
• Edited MystWatch book 3 and sent it out to beta readers
• Wrote an entire Sally Prescott adventure and started on the next one
• Wrote over 10,000 words on Chain Letter Choice and outlined the rest of the book
• Brainstormed on ideas for EIGHT new stories/books (wow!)
• Started writing a new sci-fi novel for National Novel Writing Month
• Wrote a story (and a half) for the Confabulator Cafe and kept it running for its last year
• Beta read one novel and several short stories for writing friends
• Finished Masterclasses from Neil Gaiman, Judy Blume, and James Patterson
• Went to Murdercon in North Carolina with Rachel and learned a ton of cool stuff

I mean, for breaking up with writing, this year, I did pretty damn well. I know 60k words isn't a ton, but I edited two novels and queried a book. I also did Masterclasses and a convention to learn more, as well.

There's one or two things I might try to do in the next two weeks, but we're approaching holiday crazy time, so I don't hold out much hope. I'd really like to finish the Cafe story I was supposed to post in October. And I'd like to send Druid Wars to my brother and sister for Christmas. And I definitely need to write a "Cafe is Closed" post for the Confabulator Cafe.

And then I head into next year. I don't know what next year brings as far as writing, yet. I've given myself permission to not write for as long as I need to. And I'm enjoying doing other things.

But I miss being a writer, sometimes. I miss making plans, updating my progress, and, if I'm honest, getting lost in my imagination. There's a lot of baggage associated with being a writer, and I don't miss that stuff. But I miss being a writer at a very fundamental level. We'll see if I can get back there. It may take some more time, and it might take scrapping everything I've ever written and starting fresh. I'm not sure.

I do know that I'm planning on starting a new blog to talk about my journey toward homesteading and self-reliance. I'm not sure how much I'll update there. And I really don't know how much I'm going to update here.

We'll see how I feel in January, but I'll probably still try to check in here once a month. It is the last year before this blog reaches the end of the 10-year journey. So I should keep it alive for at least the last year of my 30s.

Talk to you again when I'm 39. Happy holidays, and a joyous and safe New Year to you.

November Update: Taking Stock

I wrote a total of zero words last month.

Even with meaning to write a story for the Cafe, I never wrote a word.

Well, that's not true. I wrote words. Blog posts. Journals. Emails. Plans. But no stories. I did a tiny bit of brainstorming for NaNo, but the blurb I wrote for the website was probably only a couple hundred words long, so I didn't count it.

Part of me was trying to save my creative energies for NaNo. Part of me decided I didn't want to write out of obligation. Yes, I wanted to tell the story, have one last tale from that serial on the Cafe...but it didn't happen.

That's not to say it won't. I will probably try to write it at some point this month, become a bit of a NaNo rebel, and maybe even write a Cafe story for the "goodbyes" prompt.

But maybe not.

I've got a small start on my NaNo novel so far, but I'm days behind par and I'm not really feeling much about the story I'm telling. Again, I find that I'm writing more out of obligation than any joy. It feels like a chore because it's November. It's a thing I need to mark off the to-do list, like laundry or paying bills or doing dishes.

So. It looks like my passion for writing really is winding down. NaNo hasn't really fixed anything, just re-emphasized that something is well and truly broken. And by broken, maybe I just mean played out.

I'm getting close to the end of the time I set aside to achieve the goal I set back when I turned 30. The reason I started this blog. To be a published author by the time I'm 40.

Next year is the last year for that. And...it's not enough time. I don't have a book ready to query, and even if I spent a few months finishing or cleaning up, beta readers wouldn't get it back to me in time to query and get any solid yes or no from an agent or publisher. And I'd need more years to actually sell that book to a publisher from there.

Even adjusting my goal to getting a book accepted by someone is probably impossible. Which isn't to say I should stop trying. It's not like I turn into a pumpkin the second I turn 40.

But. I have spent most of the last ten years working toward this goal. And I have had some success. I have had over half a dozen short stories published. I've won writing contests. I've queried two complete novels. I even finished writing an entire urban fantasy series.

Cobbled together, I guess you could say I achieved my goal, more or less. I am a published author and I did everything within my power to get a book out there.

And I'm tired. Or not even that, really. I have lots of energy when it comes to other pursuits. But with writing, I'm tired before I even begin. I need my passions to give me energy, not take it away.

So, I think, even though I could continue to strive for this goal beyond my thirties and into my forties...I don't think I'm going to. Next year, my last year in my thirties, I think I'm going to wrap stuff up. Decide what the last things I want to accomplish as a writer are, then close the book on this part of my life.

I guess this really should be more of a December post, rather than November. But I think I'm going to spend the next month or two figuring out a plan. I might actually move from writing new content to getting MystWatch out there. I could feasibly spend all next year cleaning it up, hiring cover artists and editors, then put it out after my 40th birthday. I kinda like that, honestly. Would be a really nice way to honor the last decade of work. My capstone project, as it were.

The only real problem with that plan is finances. I haven't saved up any money to actually self-publish. So we'll see. I'd have to borrow from my other savings goals to do it, and hope that eventually I could pay it back. I might not be ready to do that next year. The self-publishing of MystWatch is more of a vanity project than any expectation that it's going to make any money. More just to say I did it. Getting settled in a new house might take some precedence over that. We'll see.

Anyway. Yeah. Still not writing. Still not excited about writing. Although I did finally get my first beta read back on MystWatch. Mostly positive, so that's cool. It needs a bit of work, but nothing I can't handle. And there's a fairly natural place to break it into two books (just about dead center, even which wasn't intentional, but hey!). That's something I've thought about doing with the second two books, and then drastically paring down the first book to make it a five-book series in all.

I'll update again in December. See if anything has changed. Maybe by the end of NaNo, I'll be back in the groove of writing. Then all this talk of taking a break will have been for nothing.

Or it might just be the last nail on the coffin of this whole writing thing.

October Update: Flash fictions and prepping for NaNo

I did participate in the 24-hour short story contest last month. I wrote a story I actually quite like. I also put together a flash fiction for the Cafe for a prompt that didn't get any stories. I even threw a few words at a Cafe story for October. All said and done, I wrote less than 5k words, but hey, I wrote two stories last month.

This month, I need to finish my October Cafe story. It goes live on Monday, so it's hitting crunch time. I've been reluctant to write too much of it, since I didn't have the ending. I do, now, but I haven't written it out, yet.

I'm also gearing up for NaNo next month. I made a cover for the NaNo site. I wrote a little blurb for it. I think it'll be fun. I haven't done a ton of world building yet, but I like the main character so far. She reminds me a bit of Diana, and also a bit of Kit from Dante novels. She's a badass, but not entirely competent. She's disillusioned but hasn't given up yet. She's got terrible luck and thinks she doesn't have much else to lose, until she loses it. I haven't decided much in the way of sidekicks or other side characters yet. They tend to crop up when I least expect them to, anyway, so it's better not to plan...except for the AI she'll meet in the Dream Machine...because lately I've realized how much I love sentient and sassy computers. Marvin the depressed robot, Murderbot (and the asshole computer), the AI in Ted's novel, the computer in Skyward, even AIVAS in the Pern books. So, yeah. I'll have my own ghost in the machine in this book. I still probably need to give her something to fight for. Maybe it's a dog, I don't know. People love dogs. Loyalty to her pup will make her a lot more redeemable if I make her otherwise cranky and horrible.

So, yeah. I haven't written a ton, but the things I have written haven't been too painful. The flash fiction, and even the 24-hour short story contest were surprisingly easy, once I knew the shape of the stories and what beats I wanted to hit. It's good to know that even as stagnant as I've been as far as writing, as out of practice, it's not at all like being out of shape and having to exercise. Or maybe it is. There were days after a long rest from running that I could easily run two miles without stopping. Doing it consistently, on the other hand...well, that's where NaNo comes in. It'll give me a chance to consistently work toward telling a story in more than just one sitting.

I'm not all that excited about the regional stuff, especially since they've gutted and revamped the NaNo website without taking into account what most of us have been using it for. But I'm also worried that talking to people about writing might snuff out this delicate flame I'm trying to kindle.

But having Amanda and Dianne to talk to about the 24-hour short story contest was nice. So maybe it'll be good. I'm just trying to take care where I step and keep my mind on what I'm doing, not where I'm going. Enjoy the simple act of spinning a story. Creating a world, getting to know characters, jumping into the deep end of NaNo without a plan.

And not just a plan for the novel. No plans beyond just telling this story. No thinking about publication or beta readers or sequels. Because it's been five months, and I'm still not really writing. There's still something broken. Something I did ended up breaking something, and I don't want to go back there or end up there again. So, yeah. I'm doing NaNo. Yeah, I'm writing short stories. But I'm still not really considering myself fixed or made-up with writing. I'm like, dating other people. I can't go back to that relationship yet. Maybe we're meant to be, once we work out our differences and grow as people. But I can't go back to it after what happened until lots of things change.

Baby steps. Maybe I'll get there. Maybe I won't. Maybe I really will retire completely as a writer. Maybe I'll go back to only writing during NaNo. Maybe this will be my last NaNo. Only time will tell, and I still have no plans to force anything. I believe the magic will be back. But magic isn't something you can force. If it's right, and you believe in it, then it will happen.