July: Still Fallow

I got the last rejection I expected to get today, and with that, I'm closing the book on querying Druid Wars. For the foreseeable future, anyway. I'll be closing out three of them in a day or two, and then I'll have one left that was a long shot to begin with and I don't anticipate ever hearing back about, so yeah. Done.

Which is sad, since I was thinking about book two a little today, but oh well.

It's time to move on, I guess.

I've really been struggling the last few months. In the last two months, I've written 10 whole days. Most of that was brainstorming or outlining. Actual progress was only about 2k words out of 6.5k. I was really hoping July would be an output month, but I've been avoiding everything related to writing, including my friends. I did actually "quit" for a minute. A minute being about two weeks, actually.

My top agent, who has been closed since I started querying, finally opened. I sent in my revised query, excited and hopeful.

Got a "Dear Author" rejection less than 24-hours later.

I was gutted. I went into a funk and swore off writing. The constant unrelenting rejection was too much. The stress of trying to stay on track was causing me to melt down. I cannot write and query at the same time, but writing while querying was putting me behind on all my plans.

But querying is like setting a field of prairie grasses on fire. It kills everything. I was blackened and dried out. I had nothing left in me. I didn't even want to think about writing.

Now, new growth is starting to stir underneath that razed field. Little shoots are poking up, testing the air, and other things are coming to life again.

I'm not expecting a huge amount of output anytime soon. I'm giving myself the space to write or not, depending on how I feel. I'm ignoring my project timeline. I'll probably throw the whole thing out. Things are changing. I'm changing. My writing might be changing. I don't know how much looking back I'm going to be doing.

I don't know how much planning for the future I'm going to be doing, either.

I was astounded when one of my friends announced she had decided she was no longer going to write for publication. I thought we were all in this little club of folks wanting to make it, and suddenly, she wasn't anymore. Can she even do that? I wondered.

And now, I think I agree with her. The publishing landscape is treacherous. It's like navigating a stormy sea full of pirates and sharks. I don't think I want to be a part of it, right now. I've thought more and more about small presses or self-publication, but even if I do either of those, it won't be for awhile.

I'd like to try to step back and just write, for a bit, without worrying about agents or fans or even beta readers. Write for myself, and for my characters, and maybe, just maybe, my brother and sister.

And honestly, I think it's going to be MystWatch. I've been meditating on what to do next, and I keep coming back to that. I tried to tell my inner self that ship has sailed, but it doesn't seem to matter. It's where my heart is. Always has been. I don't know who gets their story next, but I think that might be what next year brings.

This year, I'm mostly focusing on recuperating after querying and getting myself ready to write once November hits. I've been taking notes about that project on and off for months. It's really starting to come together. Or at least, the world and the feel is starting to flesh out. I'm actually looking forward to it, which is something I haven't felt about a story idea in...quite a long time.

I may poke at Sally Prescott, Chain Letter, or even Witches between now and then, but again, only depending on how I feel. If all I want to do is read nonfiction books about birds and trees, take pictures, and play videogames, then I'm allowing myself to do it.

And if I do query again someday, I'll have to make sure I don't plan on writing anything. The two cannot happen simultaneously.

Anyway. This is my update for what I did (or rather, didn't) in July. I'm leaving for Murdercon with Rachel next week and won't be back until late on the 4th. I figured I'd do this post now and a post about Murdercon sometime later in the month. I've been bad about post-con updates the last few years, but I haven't had a lot to say after Conquest in awhile. I should have at least a thing or two to say after this experience!

So farewell until next month. I promise I'll keep coming back here, even if I'm not writing. It's good for me to check in, even if the only progress update I have is that I haven't made any progress.