August Update: Murdercon

Murdercon was great. The people who put on the Writers' Police Academy are amazing. The instructors were knowledgeable and interesting. I learned a TON of stuff. About forensics, fire, firearms, blood, working undercover, funding for the various CSI branches, how the federal units work with local units, and how amazing the crime scene community is. I got to hear writers talk about writing, including Heather Graham talk inspiringly about "making it" and what the long journey of being a writer is like. I also learned what an amazing human my friend Rachel is.

I could go into greater detail, but I probably won't. Because what it all comes down to is this: I do not have any interest in writing mystery, procedurals, or anything having to do with crime or police. As fascinating as everything I learned was, it didn't trigger any new ideas or desire to write.

I do not regret going. That was one of the coolest trips I've ever taken. It was amazing to spend so much time with Rachel. As a learner, I sucked up every detail they gave me and relished in doing new things.

But it was not the magical cure for my writers block.

I didn't figure it would be. I just hope it unlocks something for Rachel in ways it didn't for me.

For me, it just made me tired to think about writing. About how those authors are always "on." They all want to talk about what they're writing. Share their business cards in hopes of drumming up sales. They were all super kind and interesting, but they were also still promoting.

I'm just so tired. I'm starting to worry this goes beyond burnout. I thought things were coming back. Maybe I crushed them by paying them too much attention. But I haven't written a word in over two weeks. No desire to. No ideas. No characters yammering at me. And when I sit and think about what I want to do next, work on next, pursue next, I want to curl up in a ball.

I don't think I've processed all of my anger and frustration as far as my rejection yet. I know I won't be able to move on until I do. And I think that's not something I can force. It's something that's just going to take time and working through slowly in little increments.

So. A week into August. Still not writing. And still not making any plans to force myself. I may write in a month or two. Or I may wait until NaNo. I'm not really sure. There's a lot going on deep in my subconscious that's hidden from me right now. Things are changing. I hope writing stays with me after the dust has settled. But maybe it won't. Maybe that part of my life is done for now. For awhile, anyway.

I will need another creative outlet soon, though. Probably photography. Maybe painting. I'm not sure what it will be, yet. Hopefully by my next update, I'll have a better idea what's going on with me.

Until then, may you find inspiration where I have not.