January Update: Here we go!

So, last month, the end of last year, I made a lot of ambitious goals for 2022. I went from, "I'm probably going to give up on writing" to, "let's give it a solid try for one more year." I was worried that'd crush my fragile creativity, but as it turns out, it's the best thing I could have done.

Things are going well.

Well enough that I think I am going to go back to monthly posts. If I'm really going to be writing and editing as much as my new Ambitious Plan has outlined, monthly check-ins will be necessary, I think. My quarterly updates last year were pretty long, and I wasn't doing that much.

So! Here us an update for January.

Actually, first, an update for December. Heh.

I wrote some more, after that last blog post. My initial goal, after sitting down with spreadsheets to plan out my 2022, was to write 2k more words on CLC so I could go into 2022 with CLC's word count at 60k. That didn't happen, but I did write almost 700 words on it, which isn't nothing. I also sat down with the SP adventure I was struggling with and wrote a 1700 word outline for it. So, I know roughly what happens in that story, now. That should help when I do Camp NaNo in April. I still don't know if I can write two SP adventures in a year, but the work I did in December should help.

Of course, Sally Prescott is a future Sara thing. Present Sara is hammering out words on CLC.

In January, I edited up the Shane Mystwatch short story (it took much less editing than I thought it needed). I sent it to my friends, but I don't think anyone has read it, yet. Ah, well. I wrote it mostly for me. And for Shane. I added to a scene in Mystwatch 3, only about 300 words, but I addressed something that I realized was bugging me (why didn't Stark ever tell Makai what he was?? I came up with a pretty simple answer). And THEN. Drumroll, please. I wrote not my 8k word goal for CLC, not 9k, but 10k on CLC!

Which means I not only blew past my January goal, but I also made up for the words I didn't manage in December. Woohoo!! And boy, is that novel coming along. Action scenes, plots moving forward. The three MCs are together, now, so that's been challenging. But fun. I have hit a bit of a wall, though. One of the things on my to-do list is to fix the outline. I've been kicking that thing down the line all month because it didn't affect what I was currently writing. Well, I've caught up to where it gets messy. So, yeah. Before I write anymore, I need to spend some time with the outline to figure out what scenes I need, what emotional beats I need to hit, and whose POV the remaining 7-8 chapters need to be in. I don't think it'll be hard. Most of it is there. Although looking back over my notes, I found something I disagree with Past Sara about. I hope that doesn't totally derail me. Part of the reason I was stuck on this book so long was that I knew how I wanted it to end, but I didn't know how to get there. Once I figured that piece out, I was able to get excited about it again. So, yeah. There are a few pieces I need to hammer out before I can start writing 1.2k, 1.5k, 2.2k words in a day again. I was hoping to do that yesterday, but I ran out of steam. I'll try to work on that tonight.

I am averaging my usual 1200 words per writing session. That can take anywhere from an hour to three hours, depending on what day it is and how motivated I am. So, all of my ambitious goals seem like they might actually be possible. I'm not sure I can actually write 14k words on a SP adventure in a month, but I am going to try. April, July, and November, I will push myself to write more than I do on a normal month.

Of course, my biggest fear right now is that, because I had a successful month, I am an absolute failure if I can't manage it again. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Yes, for February, I am aiming for 8k on CLC again. But I will also be editing a novel for someone, and maybe editing a novella for someone else. I can't expect to make 10k every month. And if I don't hit 8k next month, I've shown I can make it up on other months.

I actually did a lot of thinking about what broke me. And I think I've decided that it was unrealistic expectations of myself and pinning my dreams on a lot of factors I had no control over. My plan was to keep writing while querying. The idea was, I'd write a book, query it, and if it didn't get picked up, I'd move it to my self-publishing pile. Rinse, repeat, until I either got picked up by an agent, or had enough books written to keep myself going as a self-published writer. The trouble was, querying took all of my brain power. All of my brain was focused on analytical stuff, which left no room for creativity. Writing words as your product isn't the same as creating a product that doesn't require creativity. But once I got behind on my "product," my timeline went out the window. And the rejection was discouraging, as well. I'd built this whole system, and the system failed me. My system. The publishing industry. I didn't make contingency for failure on both fronts. My timelines imploded, my passion was long gone, and, overwhelmed with bitterness, I gave up the dream.

There's a bit more to it than that, obviously. Depression, other interests, a complete change in faith, disillusionment in things I'd had confidence in before. But overall, I set myself up for failure, and failure washed away the foundation I'd built everything on.

I'm slowly rebuilding. I've been working to find other ways to keep myself writing and motivated. So far, in the month and a half I've been working on this new plan, it's mostly been "is this going to work" as my motivation. I've asked myself a question. If I structure things this way, will I get things done, and will I work my way back to enjoying the process. I'm giving it a tentative timeline of this year (and maybe next, but I'm not looking too far ahead yet). By the end of this year, if I've gotten the things done I set out for myself to accomplish and didn't hate it, I will do another year. If, by the end of this year, I've failed again, I may still give it another year. But. I'm mostly doing this year to see how I feel, not what I get done. I will reassess at the end of this year. I will have a lot of data to parse, at that point.

As of right now, I'm jazzed but nervous. I actually feel like I might get to the end of CLC. That is really exciting. I'm actually thinking about swapping writing and editing months so I can keep working on it in March instead of taking a break. I'd hate to lose the momentum by switching to Mystwatch for March, then SP for April. But I'm going to reassess that at the end of February.

I am going into Februrary hopeful. I'm trying not to stress about expectations. It's only 8k words. That's only 1k words eight different times in February. I've kept this reasonable, which is why I managed to get 10k last month. I used to write 15k words in a good month. And I may strive for that again someday. But I am starting small and reasonable and seeing if I can achieve my ambitious goals that way without killing myself.

Because as Dianne said, the best way to kill your creativity is push yourself when your burnt out. I don't want to push. I mean, I do want to push. I want to push myself to do what I think I can. But not more than I can. It's such a hard balance. Goals too easy, I won't take it seriously. Goals too hard, I'll give up in frustration.

I guess the biggest goal is just figure out what kind of writer I am, now. Because I am still a writer. I may only be writing for myself. Or maybe self-publish someday in the future when I'm bored and have an even bigger back catalog. But for now, I'm writing for me. I'm the only one who seems interested in reading what I write, anyway. Knowing it just has to be good enough for me takes a lot of the pressure off. Makes it fun.

Hopefully next month I will still be this positive. Tentatively optimistic! Let's do this!