October Update: Flash fictions and prepping for NaNo

I did participate in the 24-hour short story contest last month. I wrote a story I actually quite like. I also put together a flash fiction for the Cafe for a prompt that didn't get any stories. I even threw a few words at a Cafe story for October. All said and done, I wrote less than 5k words, but hey, I wrote two stories last month.

This month, I need to finish my October Cafe story. It goes live on Monday, so it's hitting crunch time. I've been reluctant to write too much of it, since I didn't have the ending. I do, now, but I haven't written it out, yet.

I'm also gearing up for NaNo next month. I made a cover for the NaNo site. I wrote a little blurb for it. I think it'll be fun. I haven't done a ton of world building yet, but I like the main character so far. She reminds me a bit of Diana, and also a bit of Kit from Dante novels. She's a badass, but not entirely competent. She's disillusioned but hasn't given up yet. She's got terrible luck and thinks she doesn't have much else to lose, until she loses it. I haven't decided much in the way of sidekicks or other side characters yet. They tend to crop up when I least expect them to, anyway, so it's better not to plan...except for the AI she'll meet in the Dream Machine...because lately I've realized how much I love sentient and sassy computers. Marvin the depressed robot, Murderbot (and the asshole computer), the AI in Ted's novel, the computer in Skyward, even AIVAS in the Pern books. So, yeah. I'll have my own ghost in the machine in this book. I still probably need to give her something to fight for. Maybe it's a dog, I don't know. People love dogs. Loyalty to her pup will make her a lot more redeemable if I make her otherwise cranky and horrible.

So, yeah. I haven't written a ton, but the things I have written haven't been too painful. The flash fiction, and even the 24-hour short story contest were surprisingly easy, once I knew the shape of the stories and what beats I wanted to hit. It's good to know that even as stagnant as I've been as far as writing, as out of practice, it's not at all like being out of shape and having to exercise. Or maybe it is. There were days after a long rest from running that I could easily run two miles without stopping. Doing it consistently, on the other hand...well, that's where NaNo comes in. It'll give me a chance to consistently work toward telling a story in more than just one sitting.

I'm not all that excited about the regional stuff, especially since they've gutted and revamped the NaNo website without taking into account what most of us have been using it for. But I'm also worried that talking to people about writing might snuff out this delicate flame I'm trying to kindle.

But having Amanda and Dianne to talk to about the 24-hour short story contest was nice. So maybe it'll be good. I'm just trying to take care where I step and keep my mind on what I'm doing, not where I'm going. Enjoy the simple act of spinning a story. Creating a world, getting to know characters, jumping into the deep end of NaNo without a plan.

And not just a plan for the novel. No plans beyond just telling this story. No thinking about publication or beta readers or sequels. Because it's been five months, and I'm still not really writing. There's still something broken. Something I did ended up breaking something, and I don't want to go back there or end up there again. So, yeah. I'm doing NaNo. Yeah, I'm writing short stories. But I'm still not really considering myself fixed or made-up with writing. I'm like, dating other people. I can't go back to that relationship yet. Maybe we're meant to be, once we work out our differences and grow as people. But I can't go back to it after what happened until lots of things change.

Baby steps. Maybe I'll get there. Maybe I won't. Maybe I really will retire completely as a writer. Maybe I'll go back to only writing during NaNo. Maybe this will be my last NaNo. Only time will tell, and I still have no plans to force anything. I believe the magic will be back. But magic isn't something you can force. If it's right, and you believe in it, then it will happen.

September Update: Time to Backtrack

Unfortunately, this isn't going to be much of an update. I still haven't written anything.

I take that back. I wrote about a thousand words summarizing a dream I had that would make a good YA fantasy novel. But that's all I've written in six weeks.

I'm still really struggling. With exhaustion. With burnout. With what's going on with me. There have been times in the last six weeks that I felt sort of like writing, but never did. Or made plans to write, but didn't.

I haven't even managed to maintain an interest in any other artistic pursuits. I did photography for a hot minute, but nothing else since. Short of organizing things, decorating, and buying new clothes, I guess. If you can consider that creative.

It all comes down to...I don't know what to write right now. I've had to adjust my expectations as far as being a writer. Suddenly, I'm not sure what I'm doing about publication. My two finished novels, nobody wanted. So, do I try to finish the other two novels? They're so much like the things already rejected! Okay, do I focus on a book of a different genre? Do I have the energy to do that? If I do, what comes next? I don't have something else in that same tone, and I don't have any ideas for more stories in that tone, so my writing career is pretty much over before it begins in traditional publishing route.

So, what if I self-publish? Then I can write whatever I want, publish whatever I want.Whenever I want. Surely these books that were rejected by agents and publishers would appeal to a larger audience.

But what if they don't? Plus, I don't want to write anymore Druid Wars. At least, not right now. I could cut my losses on past projects and just work on finishing new projects rather than trying to clean up and finish old ones, despite the obvious time setback that puts me at. But I really wanted to have three or more years worth of releases ready to start publishing before I got to that point. I've been writing too slowly to manage that. And where will I find the time and energy to do all of that on my own, not to mention the money?

I don't have answers to those questions. It's not helping me decide what to work on.

So, maybe I should just not write for publication. What would I write, then?

I don't know.

Or maybe I do. Maybe I should listen to that quiet, whispered voice that says "nothing." Maybe if I stop writing for publication, I just won't write.

But then Rachel and I thought about co-writing this Hallmark-style romance. And I've been longing to return to the MystWatch world. And I've been excited, off and on, to start writing this new book for NaNo this year.

I'm adrift in a sea of indecision. I still think I kinda sorta want to write, but I really don't want to write right now. I'm thinking about trying the fall 24-hour short story contest this weekend. It might be a good place to start. Or I suppose it could be a horrible place to start. NaNo might be a better place to start. I honestly don't know.

At any rate. That's where I'm at. Still trying to move past my writers block, which I think is mostly caused by rejection. I think the feeling of having to go back to the drawing board YET AGAIN has taken more wind out of my sails than I ever would have expected. I wasn't able to be as resilient this time. That tells me that I might have one last round of queries left in me. And it won't be for a long time. So my biggest goal going forward, I think, is to write some books. For me. For my siblings, if they want to read them. But I don't want to write them for beta readers or agents or publishers or fans. I just want to write something for me. That's why I loved Monsters of Lawrence so much. Why it was so fun to write. Why I love it still. I want to try to find a way back to that feeling. That place. Because after writing the opening to this entry, I think that's the only thing left right now. The only way to salvage all this. I can't think about writing right now without thinking of a way to get it published. So as tired as the idea of going back to the beginning again makes me, it is necessary. That may be the only way to fix this, whatever this jagged, broken thing is inside me. I've taken a wrong turn somewhere, and now I have to backtrack until I find a trail that doesn't lead back into this darkness.

I think maybe the best place to start is to go back and read over some of my stories. The ones I love going back to. Maybe I can drum up some honest enthusiasm. Make me come up with some ideas for things I really, truly want to write about.

And be open to the possibility that maybe the stories I want to tell aren't the same, anymore. Whether that's from the constant rejection, getting older and finally "growing up", or this gradual change in faith, I'm not sure I can or even want to write about the same things I once did. Perhaps that's at the heart of my inability to write. I don't know what to write about, because what once resonated with me no longer does.

I truly hope that's it, and not that I just can't write anymore. Writing has been such a huge part of my life for the last five, ten, fifteen years. Twenty, if you count getting my degree in creative writing. A twenty-year investment in something. I'm not ready to give up on it after a few months of writers block. I went away from it for a year or two when I was doing more editing, but I came back. I have to believe I will this time, as well.

But I think it's still going to take some time. And it's probably going to be hard. Like getting back to exercise after time away from it.

For now, I'm going to enjoy being lazy for awhile longer. Listening to myself, I can tell there's still too much pain to try to push it without drying up any fragile buds that might be poking out.

August Update: Murdercon

Murdercon was great. The people who put on the Writers' Police Academy are amazing. The instructors were knowledgeable and interesting. I learned a TON of stuff. About forensics, fire, firearms, blood, working undercover, funding for the various CSI branches, how the federal units work with local units, and how amazing the crime scene community is. I got to hear writers talk about writing, including Heather Graham talk inspiringly about "making it" and what the long journey of being a writer is like. I also learned what an amazing human my friend Rachel is.

I could go into greater detail, but I probably won't. Because what it all comes down to is this: I do not have any interest in writing mystery, procedurals, or anything having to do with crime or police. As fascinating as everything I learned was, it didn't trigger any new ideas or desire to write.

I do not regret going. That was one of the coolest trips I've ever taken. It was amazing to spend so much time with Rachel. As a learner, I sucked up every detail they gave me and relished in doing new things.

But it was not the magical cure for my writers block.

I didn't figure it would be. I just hope it unlocks something for Rachel in ways it didn't for me.

For me, it just made me tired to think about writing. About how those authors are always "on." They all want to talk about what they're writing. Share their business cards in hopes of drumming up sales. They were all super kind and interesting, but they were also still promoting.

I'm just so tired. I'm starting to worry this goes beyond burnout. I thought things were coming back. Maybe I crushed them by paying them too much attention. But I haven't written a word in over two weeks. No desire to. No ideas. No characters yammering at me. And when I sit and think about what I want to do next, work on next, pursue next, I want to curl up in a ball.

I don't think I've processed all of my anger and frustration as far as my rejection yet. I know I won't be able to move on until I do. And I think that's not something I can force. It's something that's just going to take time and working through slowly in little increments.

So. A week into August. Still not writing. And still not making any plans to force myself. I may write in a month or two. Or I may wait until NaNo. I'm not really sure. There's a lot going on deep in my subconscious that's hidden from me right now. Things are changing. I hope writing stays with me after the dust has settled. But maybe it won't. Maybe that part of my life is done for now. For awhile, anyway.

I will need another creative outlet soon, though. Probably photography. Maybe painting. I'm not sure what it will be, yet. Hopefully by my next update, I'll have a better idea what's going on with me.

Until then, may you find inspiration where I have not.