February Update: Still positive!

Woohoo, I made it through February! February is always a rough month for me, both mentally and physically. Good thing it's the shortest month of the year.

Not only did I make it through, but I achieved my writing goal! Not only did I achieve my writing goal, I surpassed it! I finished out my writing session yesterday with 12k words for February. I did a 2.4k word day yesterday, and I was already almost 2k past my goal at that point. So, yeah. I can do this. One month, I can see it as a fluke. Doing it two months in a row may still be a fluke, but it gives me more confidence that I can do it again. I'm feeling like I have set myself reasonable writing goals, and it feels so dang good when I surpass them!

I officially broke the 80k mark on Chain Letter Choice. I have written the same amount of words I ended NaNo with on that novel. Which feels amazing. The only problem is, I figured this novel would wrap up in around 90k words. I don't think that's going to work out unless I cut some scenes from my outline. Right now, I don't want to cut anything I'd planned. Pacing-wise, these scenes feel important. Also for character development. So, I'm leaving them in. If I decide this novel needs to be cut down to 90k words, I can cut in other places. I'm taking my time getting through the scenes I'm writing rather than rushing through them. It's balancing my need to be a discovery writer (things I don't expect keep popping up) but also my terror that stops me from writing when I don't know what comes next. I'm liking this detailed outline thing. It turns out it's not actually that detailed.

Trouble is, I keep having to revamp it. I'm already a chapter or two off from where I thought I was going to be. So there will be at least a few more chapters than I thought. Which is fine. But again, that means it'll come in closer to 100k or more when all is said and done. I might have to sit down with my outline sometime this month and restructure it. Again. But I'm waiting to see if it's just chapter numbers that are off, or if I have to swap order of POV again. I may need to add a chapter, which actually means adding two, since I'm putting normal human chapters between agent chapters.

Anyway! I'd talked about swapping editing and writing months for March in my update for last month. And I think my plan is to do that. If I can write 8k-10k words more on CLC in March, I should be within 10k-12k of wrapping it up. I had planned on doing Sally Prescott for Camp NaNo, but I'm reluctant to abandon CLC so close to the end. I do not see myself writing 20k in March, so I'll have to decide if I am going to take a break from CLC for SP, or if I'm going to punt SP down another month or two. Or maybe I just write one SP this year. I know I need to write two per year to get them all done before I turn 50, but I don't think I've ever managed two complete SP adventures in one year. One and a half, maybe. But two this year might be unrealistic, since this is my first year getting back into more frequent writing.

I'll give it some more thought once I get to the end of March, but maybe I can work on finishing CLC through April, work on SP in May, then take my editing break in June. By June, I will need a writing break. I scheduled in a writing break for March because I figured after two months of writing more than I had a month in awhile, I'd need a break. But I feel good! I feel confident and excited about my novel. I'd love to wrap it up before moving on to another project, if possible.

So, yeah. That's been my progress, and those are my goals. I'm really doing this. It's going well, and I'm so happy about it. I even did the novel dev edit for one of my writers and a complete edit for the novella for my other author. And I still got my own writing done. I made an effort to guard my writing days, and it worked. I got things back to my authors closer to the deadlines I'd given myself rather than early like I prefer, but I think that's okay. Good, even.

Editing for other people definitely has me thinking harder about my own writing. I know I'm still writing for myself, at this point, but some of the things I'm telling my writers echo through my head as I'm writing. Is this scene doing more than one thing? What is it showing? Does another scene do this better? It's helped me hone in on what I want each scene to do. Not only advance the plot, but reveal characterization and advance character relationships.

Anyway. Tomorrow is our monthly meeting, so no writing again until this weekend. I've thought of a couple of things I might want to tweak in what I just wrote, and also about how I can maybe cut parts of my outline. Maybe I'll do that this week, since I'm not writing until this weekend. But we'll see. Maybe I'll just keep moving forward rather than looking back.

Either way, the last two months have shown I can do this. I am doing this!

January Update: Here we go!

So, last month, the end of last year, I made a lot of ambitious goals for 2022. I went from, "I'm probably going to give up on writing" to, "let's give it a solid try for one more year." I was worried that'd crush my fragile creativity, but as it turns out, it's the best thing I could have done.

Things are going well.

Well enough that I think I am going to go back to monthly posts. If I'm really going to be writing and editing as much as my new Ambitious Plan has outlined, monthly check-ins will be necessary, I think. My quarterly updates last year were pretty long, and I wasn't doing that much.

So! Here us an update for January.

Actually, first, an update for December. Heh.

I wrote some more, after that last blog post. My initial goal, after sitting down with spreadsheets to plan out my 2022, was to write 2k more words on CLC so I could go into 2022 with CLC's word count at 60k. That didn't happen, but I did write almost 700 words on it, which isn't nothing. I also sat down with the SP adventure I was struggling with and wrote a 1700 word outline for it. So, I know roughly what happens in that story, now. That should help when I do Camp NaNo in April. I still don't know if I can write two SP adventures in a year, but the work I did in December should help.

Of course, Sally Prescott is a future Sara thing. Present Sara is hammering out words on CLC.

In January, I edited up the Shane Mystwatch short story (it took much less editing than I thought it needed). I sent it to my friends, but I don't think anyone has read it, yet. Ah, well. I wrote it mostly for me. And for Shane. I added to a scene in Mystwatch 3, only about 300 words, but I addressed something that I realized was bugging me (why didn't Stark ever tell Makai what he was?? I came up with a pretty simple answer). And THEN. Drumroll, please. I wrote not my 8k word goal for CLC, not 9k, but 10k on CLC!

Which means I not only blew past my January goal, but I also made up for the words I didn't manage in December. Woohoo!! And boy, is that novel coming along. Action scenes, plots moving forward. The three MCs are together, now, so that's been challenging. But fun. I have hit a bit of a wall, though. One of the things on my to-do list is to fix the outline. I've been kicking that thing down the line all month because it didn't affect what I was currently writing. Well, I've caught up to where it gets messy. So, yeah. Before I write anymore, I need to spend some time with the outline to figure out what scenes I need, what emotional beats I need to hit, and whose POV the remaining 7-8 chapters need to be in. I don't think it'll be hard. Most of it is there. Although looking back over my notes, I found something I disagree with Past Sara about. I hope that doesn't totally derail me. Part of the reason I was stuck on this book so long was that I knew how I wanted it to end, but I didn't know how to get there. Once I figured that piece out, I was able to get excited about it again. So, yeah. There are a few pieces I need to hammer out before I can start writing 1.2k, 1.5k, 2.2k words in a day again. I was hoping to do that yesterday, but I ran out of steam. I'll try to work on that tonight.

I am averaging my usual 1200 words per writing session. That can take anywhere from an hour to three hours, depending on what day it is and how motivated I am. So, all of my ambitious goals seem like they might actually be possible. I'm not sure I can actually write 14k words on a SP adventure in a month, but I am going to try. April, July, and November, I will push myself to write more than I do on a normal month.

Of course, my biggest fear right now is that, because I had a successful month, I am an absolute failure if I can't manage it again. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. Yes, for February, I am aiming for 8k on CLC again. But I will also be editing a novel for someone, and maybe editing a novella for someone else. I can't expect to make 10k every month. And if I don't hit 8k next month, I've shown I can make it up on other months.

I actually did a lot of thinking about what broke me. And I think I've decided that it was unrealistic expectations of myself and pinning my dreams on a lot of factors I had no control over. My plan was to keep writing while querying. The idea was, I'd write a book, query it, and if it didn't get picked up, I'd move it to my self-publishing pile. Rinse, repeat, until I either got picked up by an agent, or had enough books written to keep myself going as a self-published writer. The trouble was, querying took all of my brain power. All of my brain was focused on analytical stuff, which left no room for creativity. Writing words as your product isn't the same as creating a product that doesn't require creativity. But once I got behind on my "product," my timeline went out the window. And the rejection was discouraging, as well. I'd built this whole system, and the system failed me. My system. The publishing industry. I didn't make contingency for failure on both fronts. My timelines imploded, my passion was long gone, and, overwhelmed with bitterness, I gave up the dream.

There's a bit more to it than that, obviously. Depression, other interests, a complete change in faith, disillusionment in things I'd had confidence in before. But overall, I set myself up for failure, and failure washed away the foundation I'd built everything on.

I'm slowly rebuilding. I've been working to find other ways to keep myself writing and motivated. So far, in the month and a half I've been working on this new plan, it's mostly been "is this going to work" as my motivation. I've asked myself a question. If I structure things this way, will I get things done, and will I work my way back to enjoying the process. I'm giving it a tentative timeline of this year (and maybe next, but I'm not looking too far ahead yet). By the end of this year, if I've gotten the things done I set out for myself to accomplish and didn't hate it, I will do another year. If, by the end of this year, I've failed again, I may still give it another year. But. I'm mostly doing this year to see how I feel, not what I get done. I will reassess at the end of this year. I will have a lot of data to parse, at that point.

As of right now, I'm jazzed but nervous. I actually feel like I might get to the end of CLC. That is really exciting. I'm actually thinking about swapping writing and editing months so I can keep working on it in March instead of taking a break. I'd hate to lose the momentum by switching to Mystwatch for March, then SP for April. But I'm going to reassess that at the end of February.

I am going into Februrary hopeful. I'm trying not to stress about expectations. It's only 8k words. That's only 1k words eight different times in February. I've kept this reasonable, which is why I managed to get 10k last month. I used to write 15k words in a good month. And I may strive for that again someday. But I am starting small and reasonable and seeing if I can achieve my ambitious goals that way without killing myself.

Because as Dianne said, the best way to kill your creativity is push yourself when your burnt out. I don't want to push. I mean, I do want to push. I want to push myself to do what I think I can. But not more than I can. It's such a hard balance. Goals too easy, I won't take it seriously. Goals too hard, I'll give up in frustration.

I guess the biggest goal is just figure out what kind of writer I am, now. Because I am still a writer. I may only be writing for myself. Or maybe self-publish someday in the future when I'm bored and have an even bigger back catalog. But for now, I'm writing for me. I'm the only one who seems interested in reading what I write, anyway. Knowing it just has to be good enough for me takes a lot of the pressure off. Makes it fun.

Hopefully next month I will still be this positive. Tentatively optimistic! Let's do this!

2021 Q4 Update: I have no idea what I'm doing

It's a little early to call for the end of this quarter, as we're just barely past the two week mark in December, but. This is my last day "at work" before the holidays hit. I've met myself. If any writing was going to get done this month, it would have happened already. Of course, I do plan on attending write-ins at Rachel's the next two Wednesdays, so I may ultimately have more to report. But at most, it'll be two more hours of work on some project or another. So. Not substantial.

Or actually, rather substantial, since in the last quarter, I've gone about two months without doing any work at all. I did zero writing in November. Which is consistent with last year, as well. The month that used to be the only writing I ever did has now become a month I never write at all. Although I will say I had some regrets about halfway through the month that I hadn't given it a try. I was still committed to finishing my forestry class at that point, though, so the timing wasn't in my favor. Next year. Next year, regardless of what I'm doing, I think I'd at least like to start a NaNo project. Of course, that's a year away. My feelings may change between now and then. But that's one of my goals for next year. To do an Actual NaNo again. I haven't fully committed to NaNo since Chain Letter Choice in 2018 (although I was a rebel that year, because I counted other writing toward my goal that month...but 41k words was a single project, so I still count that as a major win).

Ehem. But before I dive into goals, I do want to take a moment to look back at this year. Or this quarter, first, I guess.

Since the end of September, I have written 373 words and spent two hours editing.

Okay, that was a quick update.

Ugh. It's sad that I have only worked three days in the last two and a half months. One of the days was yesterday, because I knew this blog post was coming up! I've just been at such a weird place with writing this year. I talked about it in several blog posts on my private blog. It's just not a passion of mine anymore. I still enjoy it, sometimes. I will still continue to do it. But for over a decade, all of my energy was directed toward my dream of wanting to make writing and editing my life. Maybe I didn't do actual work every day, but I thought about it every day. I made steps toward it at least a bit every week.

I'm not sure what broke me or when, but the passion I felt for it has faded. I still like having written. I still love going back to read things I've written. And I definitely want to finish up some projects. But when I lost the drive to become a published author, when I stopped wanting to find a way to support myself with my writing, I could never quite rekindle the momentum. The dream died, and so did my drive to reach it. Now, writing has been just a thing I do sometimes, like all my other artsy hobbies. And those come and go on whims. And when I don't want to do it, there's no consequence for not. Nothing about my life changes if I don't write. Without a goal I'm excited about (get shit done doesn't seem to meet the SMART goal criteria), nothing holds me to any sort of writing practice.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Set a concrete writing goal. Or goals. And that way, I can make steps toward them even if I don't feel like working. I have to find a reason to push through. I've been gentle with myself long enough. So. I am going to make goals, SMART goals, and I am going to work to reach them next year.

Hah! This blog was actually going to be a "should I give up" debate. I changed direction on myself at the last minute. So much has been telling me to let go of that part of my life. But y'know what? I read the ending of MystWatch 3 again yesterday, and it was damned good. Yes, there are things that I want to change. That need changing. It's almost 150k words. Cutting is necessary. But. There's so much good stuff in there. MystWatch is and always will be my passion project. Sometimes I'm not in the mood to live there, but I always kind of want to check in on those characters. I've had so many ideas for spinoffs and shorts. So, yes. I would like to keep working in that world.

So I've determined my main goal as a writer is to work through the three books and get them as clean and tight as I can get them. Book 1 is so close. There may be one or two last little things that bug me, but I think it's basically ready for just a proofread by someone other than me at this point. Book 2 needs huge developmental edits. Book 3 probably does, as well. But they are written. Everything I want is on the page. I can spend the next year fixing book 2 and making plans for what I want to fix in book 3. I might actually start with book 3. Do an editing treatment on it and make some minor fixes as I go. That may or may not get me excited about fixing book 2, but that's where my mind is right now. The time for book 2 will come. Sometime in the next year, hopefully.

Ultimately, I want to edit all three books up so that all they need is a copy edit (book 2 and 3) and then a proofread. Then, I can go about covers and self-publishing them. Not for sale. I mean, sure, for sale. But mostly so my family and I can hold the copies in our hands. I am inclined to tweak those three books for another decade, but if what's what it takes, that's what it takes. I want this mediocre trilogy about vampires and revenge printed in my hands before I turn 50.

So that's my first goal next year. Get started on figuring out what edits book 3 needs, then dive into book 2 and do as much as I can.

My second goal for next year is to finish writing Chain Letter Choice. I may never do anything with that book, but I want it written. It may end up like Dating for Demons and just sit on my harddrive never doing anything. But there are some lovely moments in that book, and since I figured out how it ends, I want to write it. It's definitely a slog most days, but it's the first book I've outlined scene by scene. If I can finish the book and have it be semi-decent, I know I can keep writing books with my new, less-urgent pace. Because the only way I was able to write books before was by being completely immersed in the world and fumbling around until the story emerged. With an outline that has the scenes and pacing figured out ahead of time (people always whine about story structure, but I think I've always been pretty good at that), I can spend the precious times I actually write to do what I do and transfer a rough sketch of a scene into something that makes me cry. Or otherwise feel things.

Anyway. There was some digression there, but I wanted to explain to my future self why that goal is important. The book itself is meh. But the idea behind it will provide important data. The data being, what kind of writer am I now? Can I write intermittently throughout the year as long as I have detailed notes on what I'm supposed to be doing? Or do I have to go back to the old ways, where I did NaNo and Camp NaNo and write by fully immersing myself for a month or two then taking several months off as a break? If I do an actual NaNo next year, and also finish CLC, I will have that data.

The third goal I have is to finish season 2 of Sally Prescott. Which means writing two adventures. That is going to be HARD. Because I'm kind of stuck on this fourth adventure of this season, and episode five is kind of nebulous in my head. But I'm so ready to get to season 3. The first adventure there is mostly written. I know it's silly, but I really would like to write all 25 adventures one of these days. I'm nearly halfway there. Nearly. Or will be at the end of next year, if I do this. If I make my goal to have all 25 done by the time I turn 50, I will have to write two a year. So, yeah. That's my goal. To write two SP adventures a year until it's done. Maybe even including the first full-length novel. Hah!

I think those three goals are pretty lofty. But wait. There's one more. I think it'll rely on me being able to finish CLC, but I think if that works how I want it to, I should then try to outline Druid Wars book 2. So I can write that next. I'd also like to do some more concrete outlining of Sleepy Shoals. Either that or leave Sleepy Shoals as my NaNo attempt (which would mean not doing a detailed outline).

Okay, let's step back a sec. I've only written about 27k words this year that weren't brainstorming or outlining words (31.5k if you count those). Now I'm talking about writing not only 60k words, between SP and CLC...but also another 50k during NaNo?? AND editing at least one MystWatch book???

Hmm. Well. If November is NaNo. And December I decide to do nothing. That leaves 10 months to work on these other goals. That's only 6k words a month. I average over 7k words on a good month. Let's say two of those months, I edit exclusively. That's 7.5k words a month throughout eight writing months.

I can do that. I really can do that. I have done that.

That's a lot of writing for someone who thought about giving up for two years. But. With concrete goals, I think I can do it.

I will do my best to go to the Wednesday write-ins every week. There are three of those, plus the writing meeting. I can get about a thousand words written at those. So that's half of my wordcount goal right there. That means I need to make time to write outside of that. I never made it to the Saturday night Discord write-ins, so I can't rely on those. I think I may have to make a weekend morning routine of sitting and writing. Sunday is usually dog park day, so maybe Saturday mornings, I get up and drink my coffee while I try to write. Jack usually goes to practice Saturday mornings, so that will be nice, quiet time on Saturdays. Rather than spending that time watching TV, like I have been. Maybe I'll even let myself have some sort of special writing snack with my coffee. Coffee cake or cookies or something.

So, four Saturdays and three Wednesdays. That's seven days. That's usually my goal per month, anyway. And if I average 1k per session, that's pretty close to my goal.

To make these goals easier to reference, here's the plan:

• Finish writing Chain Letter Choice (~30k words)
  
• Finish SP 2.4 and write SP 2.5 (~33k words)
  
• Finish developmental edit on MystWatch 2
• Do an editing treatment on MystWatch 3
• Do a detailed outline of Druid Wars 2
• Participate in NaNoWriMo 2022
• To accomplish these goals, set aside writing time every Wednesday evening and Saturday morning, aiming for a thousand words per session
  

Apparently I'm not giving up on writing. Even though every post on my personal blog for the last month has talked about how I don't want to write, but I want to want to write. I guess I'm going to make myself. At least for next year. If I still hate it, if I still get no joy from it, if I don't make progress on these goals, maybe I'll revisit the idea of quitting. But. I didn't give it an honest try this past year. This year, I will. I've given myself goals and a structure. Time to get to work.

But before I do, can I just say, I did accomplish these things this year:

• Wrote just shy of 32k words (27k of those words moving stories forward
• Spent 31 hours editing
• Finished writing SP 2.3 and started SP 2.4 (and wrote an outline for it)
• Wrote over 7k words on Chain Letter Choice (and figured out the ending)
• Started developmental edit for MystWatch 2
• Brainstormed ideas for several short stories, including a MystWatch short
• Poked at Once We Were Witches and Nightmare of Sleepy Shoals throughout the year
• Went to most of the monthly writing meetings and several of the write-ins
• Wrote quarterly updates for this blog
  

Not the most productive year I've had, but I did make some progress on some things. I also revived this blog. That was a big one. I decided to keep doing quarterly updates, even when progress was slow. It's kept me accountable and in-touch.

That's my other goal for next year. Keep up with the quarterly updates. I'd like to see how this works out. Especially with all the other activities I want to incorporate next year. I'm trying to find passion next year. Who knows. Maybe it'll be rekindled in writing.

Have a good holiday season, everyone. I hope to do a bit more work before the calendar clocks over to 2022, but I won't be in touch again until after the end of the first quarter next year! See you then.