December Update: A Long Rest

So, my unintentional break ended up being more of an extended rest. The last few months have been difficult as far as my creativity goes. I've wanted to want to write, but in all honesty...it's been a relief not to. I go through this phase every now and then, where it's nice to pretend this isn't something I have to do.

Although more than that, I just haven't wanted to write. None of my stories felt interesting. I hated all of my characters. The physical act of writing sounded absolutely wretched. I couldn't even bring myself to read anything I'd written before. That's sometimes how I entice myself back to writing after a long break. Go back and read stuff I've written. It reminds me that I am a good writer and I do enjoy it. That I have lots of ideas and I do love my characters and worlds.

Finally, earlier this month, I was able to do that. I read some stuff I'd written and smiled. I am interested in my characters and my worlds again. But I'm still not ready to actually write, yet. I think I'm getting closer, but I'm still just worn so thin as far as writing inspiration. It won't take much to fray and give out, again.

So, I've decided to take the rest of this month to continue my long rest, as it were. No pressure. I've been doing some crafting and water color to meet my artistic needs, and that seems like enough, for now. I've also been reading a bunch. And even talking to my friends about writing, a bit.

The long and short of it is, even though I'm not writing now, I'm open to writing again sometime. I do hope it's sooner rather than later, but I can wait. I still have stories to tell. Books to finish. Ideas to play around with. Edits to make. To what end, I'm still not sure. Lisa seems convinced that I will publish, eventually. I'm not sure if I will or not. I'm not even sure I'm writing for anyone other than myself, at this point. Which is part of why it's hard to get motivated. And if I do the whole "maybe I will publish for just my small group of friends and family" to get motivated, it doesn't take long for that to blow up into "but maybe I will go ahead and publish on this publishing schedule and make all this money and write all these things."

It's such a delicate line to walk. And I fall off, a lot. Which is why I keep ending up here, after what looked like it was going to be such a productive year of getting things done, and instead, I stagnate halfway through.

Still, it's important to look back at what I have accomplished.

• I wrote 32k on Chain Letter Choice this year. That should have wrapped it up. It didn't. But I'm getting so much closer to the end, now.
• I spent a month on Mystwatch book 2, editing and making a plan for future edits. That included writing and scrapping a whole chapter.
• I finished SP 2.4, writing 20k words on it.
• I also edited three books for Lisa and a novella for Rachel.
• I brainstormed a lot of ideas and wrote some fanfic notes. Even started a couple of short stories.

So, despite not reaching all of my goals, I made really good progress. I don't want to lose sight of that.

My goal for next year is to check in with my writing each month and see how I feel. If I feel like writing, I will poke at projects. 

Projects with priority are

• Finish CLC
• Write a SP adventure
• Work on Mystwatch 2 edit
• Outline my next book (whether it's Druid Wars 2 or the first Shane novella or something else entirely new).

Mostly, finish up the things I didn't get to this year. Bonus things would be to finish two SP adventures instead of just one, actually finish the Mystwatch 2 edit, and actually start on my next book. But I'm going to aim small in hopes that I come out ahead, rather than aiming high and falling short, yet again.

I think I might take NaNo off my list of goals entirely. I love the idea of writing with abandon for a whole month to end up with 50k of a novel, but in reality, I'd rather go into it with a solid outline and take two or three months to write a solid 50k, not a rambling 50k. I do miss the idea of an exploration draft. But I just don't think I'm that kind of writer anymore. I can't go into something without a plan. Not the things I want to write, whether those are sequels or second-world fantasy stories. I think that, even though it's not done, I've shown with CLC that I can write off a detailed outline. And that I can spend two solid months writing the same book. I could probably do three, if I needed to, and that should be enough, if I'm fully immersed in a project, to write 45-60k.

Ugh. Why am I so slow?

Ugh. Why does it matter? This race is only with myself, and it's not even a race. It's...I don't know. I guess that's the problem. The goals keep changing, and what writing means to me keeps changing.

At any rate. I have lots of reflecting to do the next year. To answer those questions. To see if I can figure out what this is and when I need it and when I'm pushing too far or too hard. So. This blog isn't done. I still have lots of contemplation about writing to do and process. But this is my end-of-year post. This is it for this year.

I'll check back at the end of January to update on how things are going. Maybe they will be the same. Maybe January will be more thinking and flirting with writing and resting and crafting and painting.

But maybe, just maybe, I'll throw some words at a blank page or wrangle some existing ones that are mine and not someone else's.

We'll see.

Until then, farewell, 2022. Thank you for a year with more productivity than I probably deserved. And welcome 2023. May you be filled with creativity and joy.

August Update: A needed (if not wanted) break

This will be a short update. I did not write in August.

There. That's the update.

Although me being me, obviously I have more to say about it than that. Mostly that I didn't necessarily want or plan to take a break this month. Especially with last month being a kind-of break. But, as it turns out, I did manage to burn myself out a bit, I think, with even the casual goals I made.

Or I guess burnout isn't necessarily accurate. I just...don't want to write right now. Every time I settled down to write in July, it felt bad. This month, just thinking about writing felt bad. I felt loathing and disgust for all of my stories. None of my worlds were interesting. All of my characters were annoying. And I just didn't care what happened to any of them.

That realization hit about midway through the month, and rather than trying to salvage it, I just checked in with myself a few times to see if I felt differently. I never did, so I finally let it go.

I don't know what happened. I don't know if the month of August's energy is just off, or if it has to do with the moon or my energy level or what I've been reading lately. Or if it's just like every hobby that ebbs and flows.

Because as much as I have illusions of making money writing someday in retirement, the honest to goodness truth is that writing has become a hobby. And my hobbies I tend to pick up and put down as the mood strikes me.

As a hobby, there's a lot of "oh, I should do this thing," and then not doing it, then kind of shrugging of shoulders and realizing I didn't really want to do it that badly to begin with if I didn't make time for it. There's really no reason to push myself harder than that now that writing is only a hobby.

It is true that I have things I want to get finished. I have novels I want to finish, series I want to finish. And I have new things I want to start. But there are only so many hours in a day and I have a finite amount of energy. The last month, I've been focused on getting myself outside, moving my body, trying to find a balance of the things I consume. I spent a lot of this year fighting depression, and now that I'm connecting with nature again, that has subsided. I only cried for about ten seconds on Mom's birthday yesterday, and was only sad for about an hour.

I don't by any means believe I am done writing. The desire to return to my worlds and my characters and tell their stories will come back. It always does. But I don't want to force it. There's just no reason. My life is shifting focus. I just got a big raise at work, so I'm committed to seeing this through til retirement. I have savings plans in place to make sure I don't have to work in retirement unless I want to. I had thought about putting aside freelance money to fund the self-publishing of Mystwatch. But right now, I'd rather put that money toward other goals.

So, yeah. As of right now, this last day of August, I haven't written for over a month, and I feel okay about it. I may give it more of a shot in September. But I do have another freelance project coming, so I may focus on that instead.

At the very least, I will probably do some thinking and some shifting of my schedule to see what all I can still commit to finishing this year. Mystwatch 2 is definitely off the table. I just need to decide between CLC and SP. And then decide what my plan is for November. Whether I actually do NaNo or not. Or a half NaNo.

I will let y'all know how September turns out. Hopefully with more words written than the last two months combined! Take care, and have a great month.

July Update: Rest and (hopefully) Rejuvenation

I had big ambitions for July. I wanted to write something like 12k and finish writing Chain Letter Choice.

Instead, I busted my ass finishing Lisa's copy edit, and then devolved into zero motivation to write.

Truth is, I'm tired. Not physically, really. Mentally and emotionally. I tried to write a few times, but after a big push early in the month (before I dove too deeply into copy edits), words became a struggle. I am not sure if it's because the scene is hard or if I am just not in a writing frame of mind. Either way, whenever I had plans to write the last week, I couldn't quite manage it.

So, with five days left in the month, and two of those where I will be out of town, I've decided to call it. I managed to write 3,500 words on CLC, and for right now, I'm happy with that. No, it's not finished. No, I didn't get 12k or even 8k. But I made progress. That's all I can really ask of myself, especially when I'm this...antsy? About writing.

I'm feeling a little down about the trajectory of my writing "career" these days. Watching Lisa and her success is both motivating and exhausting. I admire her hard work and drive, but I do not have that in me. I'm not even sure I want to. Which brings me back around to, I'm writing because I want to tell these stories and finish things I've started. Which...isn't always motivating to get work done when I don't feel like it and have twelve other things I should be doing.

I would still like to finish CLC this year. Maybe I'll manage it in August. If not, I'll put off the next SP adventure and push through in September and into October, if I need to. I think finishing this is more important than the next SP. And probably even more important than Mystwatch 2. Yes, I took book 2 apart and need to put it back together again, but what's the rush? Right now, if I go back to Mystwatch, I kinda want to work on the first Shane novel. Novella? I'm not sure yet. I just cannot get excited about book 2. I've never been particularly excited about it. And honestly, the longer I wait to work it out, the more experience I will have fixing structural issues with books. I don't want to have to take it apart and put it back together again, so I need to be sure to do it right this time, if I can.

Anyway. Yeah. Chain Letter Choice is my priority for the rest of the year. And...I think...I might spend some of October brainstorming for Druid Wars 2. So that I can give it a go in November. So I can spend a few months next year wrapping that up, rather than spending the whole damn year writing it.

If I do that, I'll have more time for SP and maybe even edits for Mystwatch 2 in 2023.

As much as I'd love to get everything I'd planned on doing this year done, I know it's not going to happen. So now I need to decide where my focus should be. And I think I'd rather do Druid Wars, a world and characters I know, then starting a whole new world I still know nothing about for NaNo. I honestly believe I might need to step it back a notch, the number of projects per year, so I have down time to think and brainstorm and, honestly, rest.

Because Lisa is planning on putting out three books a year for awhile. At least this year and next. And if Rachel does even one or two books, that's something like five months out of the year I won't have time or maybe energy to write. I've decided the freelance editing takes precedence. For now. For the money. For the experience. For the time for me to really think about what it is I want out of writing.

Right now, I want to keep writing so I have something to talk about with my friends. And that's...not a great reason. I also want to finish things, which is a slightly better reason.

I guess another reason, one I lose sight of sometimes, is that I love having written. Turning a sentence from an outline into an emotional scene is just magical. Reading something I've read and laughing because I left myself a joke is amazing. And crying because I put to words a thought or feeling that is really powerful is, quite frankly, more rewarding than I can express.

So yeah. Those are the main reasons I write. That's good to remember. But it's also good to remember that sometimes, when I'm tired and spread too thin and putting too much pressure on myself to do All The Things, I lose those moments. Or at least don't take as much joy in them.

So. Yes. Camp NaNo was a bust. That may not bode well for NaNo proper. But I like to think by letting myself off easy this month, November will be easier. I don't want to go into NaNo exhausted. I need to be rested and excited and motivated. And I will do what I can in the months leading up to it to ensure that happens.

Next month, hopefully I have an update with more actual progress. But it's August. So we'll see if I hide in writing, or avoid writing entirely. I'd be happy with a healthy balance between those two things!